Step 2 Part 3: Ideas, emotions and attitudes from my addiction.
I’m not the biggest fan of looking backward and am at peace with my past today. However, my sponsor asked me to complete a full page on this part and I am doing as I am suggested to do because she knows better how to stay sober than I do.
I will still premise this by saying that I DO NOT REGRET NOR WOULD I CHANGE ANY of my past mistakes because they made me the person I am today and God put me through my trials in life for His Reasons.
I was selfish, self centered, and self seeking in my addiction even when I thought I was not. Using drugs/alcohol while being a parent even if it was after they were asleep was/is not healthy or being a good parent/example for my children. I put my needs above M’s and while he stayed with me sober since before I met him I was toxic for his sobriety and life and thank God he stuck by me but I was selfish in allowing him to. I put my parents/family/friends through hell with worry and no matter what they did as a result I am to responsible for causing them pain.
I experienced psychosis because of using and at one point thought Jesus was tugging at my “Earthly belongings” including my clothes to remove them and so I did and proceeded to walk naked down the sidewalk during rush hour traffic believing I was going to walk to my grandmothers miles and miles away. *Thankfully the EMTs picked me up about a mile down the road. And took me to get the help I needed. I was fully drug/alcohol free but experiencing psychosis from using/trauma I had just gone through.*
I believed I was a functioning addict/alcoholic because for the longest time I had everything I needed in life while in my addiction and it was only taken away when people realized after I’d already quit on my own.
I didn’t have a connection/relationship with my HP no matter how hard I tried to get spiritually fit while a dry drunk for 5 years and using here and there something was blocking that. Now I know it was the using/drinking that was the block.
The “pink cloud” and believing I was the second coming of Christ (aided by a toxic party trying to use me for her gain) or on the Truman Show.
What I was looking for in my using/drinking I’ve found in sobriety. Pretty crazy but its amazing.
Step 2 Part 4: Opposites of step 2 part 3’s emotions, attitudes and ideas:
Love everyone anyways, always. Look for the positives. Reframing negative thinking/thoughts comes naturally now.
Self love – putting God first, myself second thus first, and my family third thus first.
Thy will, not mine, be done. Letting my HP guide me/direct me what the next right decision/action is.
I only have control over my actions, reactions, and thoughts, no one or anything else in this world or
my life. I choose to be happy and serene.
Time takes time and I’ve got time even thought it isn’t always comfortable to be patient especially for things I did/do not and my daughters did/do not deserve. I’ve come to realize they are only kids for 18 short years and I already got to experience and enjoy the majority of those years with them everyday and mostly just the three of us. Right now they’re seeing the other adults in their lives for what they are and I never have to say anything negative about these people to them like they do to my daughters about me. I raised my girls in their most formative years with love and teaching them self love and knowing they can NEVER disappoint or upset me with them. So even if it takes ANOTHER 2 years to see them (which God willing it won’t) our bond is strong enough to withstand and always has been. They know I love and miss them and think of them every single day. And God is protecting them while I can’t right now. Choosing to be patient and try to wait for change was my way of protecting them from having to hear lies and awful things and fights about/over my by their other adults so that my girls could have better childhoods for it.
My past – every aspect good/bad/indifferent – and each day’s happenings are in God’s hands and needed/happened/are happening for His Reasons and I have no regrets or resentments or pain from anything today. The lessons He needed me to learn I’ve learned and I know my part in even the stuff I wasn’t the “offending party/bad guy” in and today I know my side of the street is clean and I’m doing my part and listening to and talking to God is legitimate now.
Even when something upsets me today I am still full of serenity and peace because God is directing me. And I can see and understand other people’s side/POV/perspective even when/if I don’t agree and have empathy and compassion for them and be understanding and helpful. I love everyone and judge no one. And its genuine and real in a way I can’t describe with words. My HP is real. No stupid pink cloud BS that is liable to pop and send me back down the rabbit hole or foggy brain or uncertainty this time.
I never have to/want to use or drink or be codependent/dependent on anything/anyone and so long as I continue to depend on and talk to my HP daily, regularly and follow His direction I will be okay.