Before I got a sponsor or at least started actively working with her I knew enough about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)- of which I am a member and for me I have no issue breaking anonymity but I will ALWAYS respect the anonymity of others in the program -to get started working my steps right out of the gate. So I made a gratitude list (as I have done many times when I feel my life is unmanageable/I need to settle my brain and thinking down). I think sharing my step work can/may be able to show another person how simple the “design for living” in AA is and hopefully somewhere/someday (or not) someone suffering can see there is a way out.
So without further ado my GRATITUDE LIST 03/07/2023 (9 days into my sobriety this time around):
*Usually folks say to do a list of 5 which is what I’ve usually done/do but if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten I’ve heard so I did 10 in order of importance in my life*
My Higher Power, I call him Ted/God and having a REAL relationship with him today.
Me, ALIVE, SANE, SOBER, WILLING
My kiddos health and happiness and knowing and trusting my HP is protecting my girls while they’re fathers continue to “hide them” from me going on 2 years yesterday. My son being born amazingly perfect and super smart and him having the dad that he does who is number 4.
M’s love and understanding and support and unconditionally loving me anyway even when I thought he didn’t care/was indifferent. Him continuing to have faith and support my crazy ass while I was a dry drunk for 5 years (in meetings not working a program) and still getting high on dry goods (drugs) while he stayed sober since before I met him.
My dad and my lil brother for almost always loving me anyway and supporting me through it all.
AA and the fellowship, my chosen family, and the new friends I’m meeting and the old friends who never gave up on me.
Forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally always. And knowing my human fallibility and being okay with my mistakes.
Knowing I’m worthwhile and respecting myself fully and creating healthy boundaries in my life today.
Learning to get boundaries.
Life and living life on life’s (God’s) terms today. Turning my will over to the God of my understanding each morning and letting He who has all power have all power direct my life today, knowing He’s got me.
Mantras to memorize (modify to your own verbage/word style to make them easier to remember and be more true to you): Nobody’s perfect (or Pobody’s Nerfect from “the Good Place” television series) This too shall pass/No season [no darkness] lasts forever Time takes time (it took me so much time to get to where I am at so I cannot expect thinsg to miraculously be better overnight) One day (or hour/minute/moment) at a time Be here, now (live in the present, be mindful) You can’t eat an entire alligator cow in one bite (When I heard/readthis one it said elephant but elephants are my spirit animal and I would never think to eat an elephant then again I wouldn’t likely eat an alligator because I don’t eat much meat as it is….) Everything is temporary/This is not permanent (this not only helps remind me that as the econd mantra says: “this too shall pass” but also that even the good things in life are not constants that will be here for sure tomorrow so to appreciate everything and everyone in my life in the present) Worry is a pointless emotion/I’ve had a lot of problems in my life and most of them never even happened (When I think back to similar situations I’ve been in in the past where I’ve had the same type of anxiety or worry pop into my brain I realize that the majority of the time the things I fretted happening never did and I wasted a lot of time and energy on the what ifs. If a situation is within my control then all I can do is make the best right choice in my course of action and if it is not then I must let go and let God [TED]) Let go and let God [TED, whatever you call your HP/Higher Power] if a situation/outcome is out of my control (which most are or at least partially are) then I’ve learned to pray (or chat with which is my kind of praying) to my HP to take my worry and then trust Him to do what is best even if that means it’s not exactly what I would’ve wanted to happen because I have also realized that I very seldomknow what is bet for me and if i had my way in a lot of situations I would not have learned so many valuable lessons that only come from dealing with the tough stuff head on. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that’s why we call it the present. This little nugget is straight from the halls of my elementary school lolol but it hits home at the three basic truths of mindfulness and living in the now: 1) the past is just that – past, it cannot be changed, altered, corrected, etc in any way no matter how long we dwell on the could’ve/should’ve/would’ve of it! So let it be, learn from it where you can and then let it go and move forward. 2) tomorrow will be today tomorrow and then it is worth focusing on but worry over what is yet to occur and may not happen 3) today is a gift that I’ve spent too often fretting over the yesterdays and tomorrows and so now I don’t instead I practice mindfulness and being here, now.
I made this page with links to my favorite daily meditations and my top 2 go to blogs/sites that keep me inspired and on track. I also made it visually fun for your enjoyment and mine!! Just click on the picture or the descriptions and it’ll send you to whichever you want to check out today!!
Choose happiness and be kind, it’s free so give it freely!!
Be easy and stay beautifully you as only you can do!
Also head over to one of my favorite sites Pocketmindfulness.com and check out 16 Ways to Become a Better Person Today cause per usual he is spot on with where my heads at and these are all great ways to start being the best you you can be!!
The act of stopping negative thoughts is a pretty effortful feat in and of itself; just being mindful and conscious of our thinking takes attention and patience. So then figuring out how to reframe the negative thoughts we stop can be flustering beings as negative thinking is weirdly more natural and our go to over positive thinking. I’m going to give some examples of negative thoughts I reframe(d) before this became a habit and subconscious effort for me in my day to day thinking process. I feel like I may have left people hanging a bit with my lack of actually portraying WHAT reframing a negative thought to a positive/worthwhile idea/thought LOOKS/SOUNDS LIKE so I’m here to remedy that oopsie!
I also came across some great on point and worthwhile affirmations from another blogger writing at empress2inspire.blog that I’ll share at the end. Or better yet find them here on their Daily Dose of Affirmation blog post I found them on by clicking the aforementioned title ;)! I’ve never been a big fan of affirmations and found them kinda corny because the ones I found in my search for some more in depth ideas were pretty basic and lacked something for me. A few days ago I stumbled upon these nuggets of wisdom that hit home for me and realized that is what it takes in most worthwhile things in our lives is us finding the right fit for ourselves and our lives. If we can find that within nearly any positive thing to do then we can find it fitting and work it into our daily lives. Sometimes that takes searching and others it takes stopping looking and when its right the fit will find you.
Back to the main topic: reframing our negative/unhelpful thoughts into positive/worthwhile ones examples: it’s easy to start noticing these types of thoughts by paying attention to the words that often go along with our negative thinking: can’t, don’t, not, won’t, never, always, shoulda/woulda/coulda (or ‘ve if you’re more proper and grammatically correct in your thinking verbiage lolol which I often am so shhh don’t judge me!), profanity often indicates negative thinking also, and of course there are more but these are some to definitely listen for and when a thought comes through with one of these STOP words do just that STOP THAT THOUGHT!!
I can’t …. I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. If I am overwhelmed can I break down what I’m fretting over into smaller parts to get to the bigger goal? I have overcame/done something harder/similar to this before and while it seemed daunting at first, like this, I was able to work through/do what it was that at first I thought I couldn’t. How did I go about doi that? How did I psych myself out almost that time and looking back how ridiculous does that worry seem or if warranted how great did it feel when I did it anyway? Is there someone I can ask for help and make this problem/project only half the difficulty? I like doing things solo most of the time or with my partner but maybe it could be enjoyable to work with someone new to get this done or talk to someone I haven’t recently to vent my issue and get a different perspective.
I really messed up…. And I will mess up again but what can I learn from this mistake so I don’t make THIS mistake again? I know my heart was in the right place so where did things go sideways and were my intentions still genuine and positive? [this mistake] taught me… helped me realize… gave me perspective on… Can I fix [this mistake] or make it better? Yes? Do it then! No? Forgive myself and let it go; today is a new day with plenty of mistakes to be made or to avoid making, onward!!
Things just keep getting worse and I can’t handle any more bad/negative stuff but it just keeps coming! Time for a gratitude list for sure – 5 things I’m grateful for… (this works for most any negative thought if I can’t specifically reframe it then gratitude is the best attitude at prevailing over negative thinking! this type of thinking does specifically call for some reminders of what I have in life that is good even if at the time it is the basics like my kids’ health, life/waking up again this morning, my sanity/my brain/my intelligence/my psyche intact, my HP (higher power, TED <for me> or God <for many>), and my health/my person’s/partner’s health to name a few it breaks up the negative roll my thoughts will get on if I allow them to keep going without a conscious effort to stop them and make a chance. I’m no victim so what is my role in why my life is having a bit of a downturn as of late? Can’t change anything by doing the same thing and expecting different results or wallowing in self pity so what is one small change I can make to my choices/actions/attitude/etc that I can start now/today and effect some change in my circumstances possibly in doing so? If I get flustered or frustrated trying to reframe a negative thought or just can’t seem to pull my head out of the woe-is-me well then along with a gratitude list I can try some journaling – either writing down what I want to be or see happen or getting out some grrrrs and writing all my negative feelings/thoughts to expel them (just being careful not to dwell on them but putting pen to paper for me is sometimes as good as having another person’s ear to vent to.
I don’t deserve this/this is not fair… …then how did I get here? My punishments have far outweighed my crimes but I still committed the crimes (not literally criminal acts but whatever mistake or misdeed I did do) and in doing so I opened myself up to other people’s interference and influence over my life. Now is time for me to focus on what is within my control and how to utilize those aspects for me to succeed. I know my worth and how much effort I put in. I don’t need outside validation but internal acceptance and what I “deserve” in life will materialize/become and every hard time in which I make the best choices and learn the valuable lessons I wouldn’t if it weren’t for these seemingly undeserved shitshow times. I do deserve the wisdom and strength I can gain from overcoming and coming out on top of the worst situation.
I’m not good enough/I’m a failure at… I cannot fail if I do not quit; each “failure” is an effort made toward an eventual success or at the very least something to be learned from/gained knowledge/ability/wisdom/etc. I’m a frikkin badass! Remember how I [overcame/accomplished/did something that made me proud of myself]? And even with their dad’s poisoning them against me with lies and judgments my daughters love and adore me and if that doesn’t make clear to me my awesomeness nothing will!! Take a moment to look at my little man and how he looks at me like I am his personal angel/fairy godmother and I’m reminded of my worth every time! I love and accept myself unconditionally now after years of negative self-talk and self abuse I forgave myself and continue to if/when I make an err in judgment/choice/reaction/et al I hold no grudges against myself which had kept me bullshitting myself as well for a loooong time and constantly second guessing myself for all that time alsobut no more thanks to changing my thinking and taking bak control of my thoughts –> actions –> circumstances!
Stuck with a/some thought(s) that just won’t quit or you can’t seem to reframe send me a message and I will help in whatever way I can/you need jesscause@scribbles4sanity.blog I was scrambling around searching the world wide web for help when I was stumped and by golly ….while there is a plethora of information out there it is not all great and really really really repetitive. I figure you can search google as well as I can possibly even more thoroughly because I am definitely not claiming to be an internet search wizard. I had a counselor that was though and I’ll always wish I had kept the notes I took from him explaining how to do that…maybe I’ll look him up and ask, if so Ill be sure to share!!
Of course there are so many variations of and more specified to each of us personally negative thoughts than I could even begin to tackle but above were the most repetitive types of negative thoughts that I encountered (that I remember that is cause it has been long while since they seemed to wave the white flag and stop encroaching on my happiness!) and here are a few mantras that stuck with me along the way that can work in many different kinds of thought reframing situations and can be good to just remind us of our self worth and shut up that critique in our head once and for most often (she’ll/he’ll always be there in the back corner with a dunce hat on staying quiet so long we we stay vigilant).
My Main Mantras
Mantras to memorize (modify to your own verbage/word style to make them easier to remember and be more true to you): Nobody’s perfect (or Pobody’s Nerfect from “the Good Place” television series) This too shall pass/No season [no darkness] lasts forever Time takes time (it took me so much time to get to where I am at so I cannot expect thinsg to miraculously be better overnight) One day (or hour/minute/moment) at a time Be here, now (live in the present, be mindful) You can’t eat an entire alligator cow in one bite (When I heard/readthis one it said elephant but elephants are my spirit animal and I would never think to eat an elephant then again I wouldn’t likely eat an alligator because I don’t eat much meat as it is….) Everything is temporary/This is not permanent (this not only helps remind me that as the econd mantra says: “this too shall pass” but also that even the good things in life are not constants that will be here for sure tomorrow so to appreciate everything and everyone in my life in the present) Worry is a pointless emotion/I’ve had a lot of problems in my life and most of them never even happened (When I think back to similar situations I’ve been in in the past where I’ve had the same type of anxiety or worry pop into my brain I realize that the majority of the time the things I fretted happening never did and I wasted a lot of time and energy on the what ifs. If a situation is within my control then all I can do is make the best right choice in my course of action and if it is not then I must let go and let God [TED]) Let go and let God [TED, whatever you call your HP/Higher Power] if a situation/outcome is out of my control (which most are or at least partially are) then I’ve learned to pray (or chat with which is my kind of praying) to my HP to take my worry and then trust Him to do what is best even if that means it’s not exactly what I would’ve wanted to happen because I have also realized that I very seldomknow what is bet for me and if i had my way in a lot of situations I would not have learned so many valuable lessons that only come from dealing with the tough stuff head on. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that’s why we call it the present. This little nugget is straight from the halls of my elementary school lolol but it hits home at the three basic truths of mindfulness and living in the now: 1) the past is just that – past, it cannot be changed, altered, corrected, etc in any way no matter how long we dwell on the could’ve/should’ve/would’ve of it! So let it be, learn from it where you can and then let it go and move forward. 2) tomorrow will be today tomorrow and then it is worth focusing on but worry over what is yet to occur and may not happen 3) today is a gift that I’ve spent too often fretting over the yesterdays and tomorrows and so now I don’t instead I practice mindfulness and being here, now.
And finally those affirmations I brought up at the beginning of this post that you can also find > here <
I have the power to make an impact in the world.
I am a trustworthy friend who shows up.
I am grateful to wake up healthy and whole today.
I give myself the care and attention I need to thrive.
I love my body and everything it is capable of doing.
For thirty-something years I 100% believed I had no control over my constantly-whirring mind and not for nothing – I felt I’d tried everything (therapy, recovery programs, meditation, exercise, hypnosis, melatonin, sleeping pills prescription and otc, teas, journal writing, alcohol, marijuana, harder drugs, reading, exhaustion, sauna/heat therapy/exhaustion, etc et al) and nothing seemed to work. And since I live a life of unabashed honesty (now) I will admit that I didn’t put forth the necessary effort needed for any of those attempts to be fruitful; I do believe that all of the other methods I’ve tried have benefits that aid in what I finally found to work for me… Plus the more mental health help and positive resources and tools I’ve got/I can get the better!
Hello you kind soul, thank you for stopping by to read my writing! My name is Jess Cause aka lackadaisicalwhimsy (the other name I’ve written under when I blogged anonymously but I’m no longer hiding because I am proud and happy to be the forever fallible flawed funny feels-feeling fun-loving child-at-heart for life fiery female just figuring out how to live a simply happy life and how to teach, love, adore, experience, laugh and practice self love, care, acceptance and forgiveness with and be there for my childreneven with the ever growing obstacles seeming to appear when least expected by the people I should have seen it coming from. Jess be’s my name, JessCause my handle/psuedonym, and momming and blogging/writing are my games and claims to fame (((my kids think I’m a big deal and the three of them are all the fans I need in this world)))and these two things- scribbling my feels and rearing my littles -are also what keep this #freebird sane and free to be unapologetically happy and blessed to be authentically me, no shame, no one to blame, only got love to share with the world and do my part- small as it is -to bring peace and happiness to the world at large.
Inspirations Instilled by Intellectuals I 💕
Also, alongside As A Man ThinkethJames Allenhas a plethora of written works that I have found even more wisdom in. The link when you click James Allen here or ^^up there^^ in the previous sentence takes you to his daily meditations and morning and evening reflections from the books he wrote of a year of each (one or the other is actually a compilation of his work put together by his wife after his death but all written by him prior to the end of his life).
Another couple of great authors to read and follow that are of this generation and also write blogs as well as books are: Mark Manson author of his self titled blog markmanson.net and a handful of best selling titles including The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. ((I just purchased Will the autobiography/memoirs of Will Smith which Mark co-wrote with the superstar and am super excited to see what those two phenomenal brains and introspective personalities put together. Especially after reading <listening to> Green Lights by Matthew McConaughey and having my socks knocked off by the absolutely topnotch quality of his narrative making me not want it to end, I can’t even imagine what Mark and Will have in store for us!!)) & Alfred Jameswhose blogPocket Mindfulnesshas saved my spiralling mind on more than a handful of occasions; it’s as though he’s in my head because the needed post is always right there when I go to his page.
And to be clear these guys do not know of my existence so I’m not pushing anything for monetary or other value or affiliation; I’m just telling you what works for me to live happily even when my life’s a shit show.
Walk With Me Working It; Choosing Happiness IRL(in real life)
Here’s the reality of this step guide situation – I’m giving you the method that worked and works for me day in and day out and after a few years of fine-tuning the nuances and sharpening my toolkit I feel I have it about 50% 100% dialed in for public consumption LOLOL (laughing obnoxiously & lovingly out loud).
“He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
But as the world turns and feeling that even in it’s roughest draft of an idea that getting this concept out to any and everyone now and with the help of my Higher Power and folks looking to enhance positive thinking and choose to be happy and give this way a try we will fine tune it to embrace everyone’s quirks and needs along the way. Or more likely, at least in the short term, broaden my track to incorporate all levels of abilities and capabilities.
So without further ado, and putting aside my wavering confidence in what I do know works because I am working it!, Step 2 on our path to simple happiness and choosing so, sounds straightforward enough …. ONWARD to how to start thinking thoughtfully.
Don’t worry,
I’ve got you!
Thoughtful Thinking
As described and repeated ad nauseam by Mr. James Allen in my personal Thought Life Bible or as he titled As A Man Thinketh our life starts and ends with our thoughts. The thoughts we think create the actions we do, the reactions we have, and the inaction we avoid; all we do begins with the thinking going on in our head.
After 3 decades of living with my constant, nonstop and oft overwhelming thoughts dancing, sprinting, sometimes spiraling around my brain I could not longer honestly claim that I was not able to control my thinking, that I was victim to my thoughts; Mr James Allen, *fist shaking in mock frustration with the messenger of what has always been while I’ve unhappily been unaware of the fact within my control* annihilated my excuses and victimhood <which was something I wasn’t aware I was not only playing into but was holding fast to because then I wasn’t responsible and I couldn’t change anything…right?! oh but how incredibly wrong I was! and sans first growing pains of disdain at having to own my shit, I am forever grateful that I was wrong; whenever you’re ready to accept ownership of your life we’ll be over here on the other side waiting with open, understanding arms but no pressure this is a “at-your-own-comfort” pace and so long as you’re making an effort to better yourself a little bit each day or whatever measure works for you then you’re making progress toward self-awareness, acceptance and ultimately unconditional self love of a variety that gives you the choice of happiness in any and all circumstances> and in doing so the incorrect beliefs of lifelong uncontrollable anxiety and insoluble insomnia ever pervaded by my anxiety’s acuteness and all the hunkering down I’d done in acceptance of such a miserable existence ruled by unhappy, unkind, unhelpful, repetitive, mocking and negative thoughts more often than the opposite variety had been for naught.
My perspective was completely changed by my interpretation and understanding of the concepts and correlations involving my control over my thinking and thus my control over my life as laid out so simply and basically in As A Man Thinketh.
Thoughts >>> Actions
So now what? I got it but I was still me and my way of thinking was pretty thoroughly ingrained being how I’d done it for thirty plus years. And I wasn’t even unhappy really, looking back with my hindsight 20/20 vision I can see that I also wasn’t happy at all, not actually even though I tried to sell the idea that I was to myself even, while hiding from myself and pretending that my life was shitty because of other people’s doings and causes/unwarranted and unwanted interference which to a large extent was the truth and still is the why and the how of certain happenings and unfairness that was out of my control.
But even in those parts that I may not be to blame for the outcome I played a role somewhere that created where I was at then and factors into where I am at today. At that point in life I wanted to leave the past in the past not for the right reasons but to slam shut the ugly truths that it held about me and my mistakes/missteps/misguided choices shut tight and run fast and far to freedom from their knowing looks and murmurings of my shortcomings and failures that blared loudly even though nonexistent and just a part of my own skewed thinking and thus far negative self talk that weirdly is more natural and the normal than its counterpart of positive self affirmations.
First, I decided, I had to know what my end goal was in making any change to begin with. I figured once I had that no matter how lofty or far off it may be, I could map my way toward it with baby steps and sometimes throwing in the needed sprint when inspiration lit a fire under my tush.
My dad is a goal oriented fella and has always promoted and suggested and reminded me and my brother that the only way to achieve anything is by setting a goal to do so and writing it down. I had avoided doing so for my then thirty plus years and had always known it would be part of the simple happy life I was determined to live yet had no real idea of how to obtain and then maintain said simple happiness. So that is the first part of Thinking Thoughtfully in Step 2 : defining our desired outcome – D.O! D.O!
Defining Our Desired Outcome(s) : : Do!! Do!!
We have arrived at part A of our second step toward choosing happiness and controlling our life and circumstances instead of pandering to what happens TO me. Depending on your way of brainstorming ideas this can be done whatever way is most comfortable and workable for you to come up with the best desirable outcomes (yes plural on purpose!) for your life that you hope to actualize and can foresee your life benefiting from taking back the reigns of control and owning your life from thought to outcome.
Brainstorming techniques I find useful:
Thought Write (I’ve read it called Brain Writing recently)
whatever you’re thinking write it and don’t delete, edit, leave out anything. Write your stream of consciousness. While this may not be the best way to brainstorm goals or specific ideas it will loosen up your creative brain and get words flowing.
Word mapping/Mind mapping/Goal Mapping
Lists. Make lists of lists. Lists of ideas for each area you want to focus on making a change or putting forth more effort.
Word associations/synonyms/word breakdowns – prefix suffix/definitions
Draw it!
this will loosenup your rather than writing your ideas sketch/doodle/draw out what ideas come to mind. This can broaden and expand initial ideas especially for us less drawing capable bc our attempt to draw an idea may come out in such an abstract fashion as to extract different ideas from your artwork.
No matter what enjoy the process. There are no right or wrong answers or goals. This isn’t about or for anyone but you.
For more brainstorming ideas Google some variation of “list of brainstorming techniques” adding in “for goal setting” or other specificities will help get more than just the repeat copycats in your search results and since you can Google as easily as I can I’m not going to regurgitate them here.
These were/are my desired outcomes/goals from when I started figuring this all out. At the time I hadn’t sat down and written them out in this or any other way and not having done so made for missteps and difficulties that could have otherwise been avoided. Thus I implore you to start this journey by learning from my mistakes and at least jotting some idea of how you hope getting control over your thought life will benefit your life. Feel free to utilize mine if you can relate and are wanting similar outcomes for yourself; often times we read something and feel like that person lifted our own thoughts and wrote them down before we even realized we had them, it’s not copying or lacking originality it’s finding outside inspiration.
In case you aren’t one to pay attention to images (since I often am that type with all the ads constantly sneak-attacking what I’m reading so that I click them by accident!) and/or my lack of proofreading and double checking that my shared images are able to be viewed at the proper size necessary to read any text on them depending on the screen size you may be utilizing to do so and/or just to be thorough 😉 here are the goals I set and have met and/or am still working toward obtaining:
take control of my thinking
reduce/eliminate unnecessary anxiety
overcome insomnia caused by incessant thoughts
disprove mental health diagnosis (misdiagnosis)
control how I allow my emotions/feelings to affect me and my current state of happiness
regain self confidence
know my worth and act accordingly
set and stick by boundaries in all my relationships
learn to control my reactions
let go of worry/care of other peoples’ feelings and/or judgments about me
disprove the liars/lies used against me to take my daughters
stop allowing negative people and toxic relationships headspace
take responsibility for and control of my actions
own my shit 100% and forgive myself my mistakes and shortcomings
love and accept myself completely and honestly flaws, faults and fuckups included
when the courts open up with COVID ending (fingers-crossed) get my butt in there and get my daughters back home and safe
be a positive role model for my girls and show them that it’s okay to be fallible and own my mistakes so long as I try
I’d love to hear some of your goals in the comments or direct message me if you’d prefer. I based my categories around those aspects of life that are within our control, which I either hadn’t really been taught or had forgotten and subsequently fallen into feeling like a victim to my circumstances and life’s “unfair” treatment. What I’ve come to learn or remember/relearn is that the only things we have control over in life are our own thoughts (I promise it is possible!! Next part of this step is the how of it!!), our actions and reactions, our attitudes and behaviors, our mindset and perspectives, the words we use and the tone with which we use them, our amount of effort we put forth and the choices and decisions that are ours to make, and how we feel and to what degree we allow our emotions to affect our state of being.
Boohoo Me was a clever little manipulator always able to find ways to get my way and do so without upsetting the people I was stepping on to do so; it took this complete overhaul of my personality and finally meeting a man who wouldn’t cosign my bullshitting ways -plus a bit of wisdom and self introspection- to finally see the narcissistic tendencies and victim role I had played unwittingly for so long. While I wasn’t the type to harm others mainly because I didn’t want to experience the fallout that could possibly create for me I wasn’t living as the person I believed myself to be and want to be and role model I want to be for my children.
From as far back as I can remember I absorbed the people around me’s personalities but not to be like them, rather to understand how to convince them that they wanted to do what made things work better for me without my input being a factor acknowledged. I merely viewed it as being smart and adaptable which both were true but, even though I maintained not harming people mainly to avoid any possible backlashbut doing no harm nonetheless, there was a pin thin line to narcissistic behaviors and gas lighting that I was walking. And it kept me second guessing myself, replaying interactions hypercritical of my convincingness, living in fear of being found out as the fraud I felt like even though looking back now I see clearly a young woman trying to find herself with only good intentions albeit for me and mine which also speaks to the need to do and be better.
I’ve raised my daughters and will continue raising my son and my girls to accept everyone, not be judgmental and love themselves always. After going through the process of owning my life, the good the bad and the ugly and learning to control and utilize my thinking thoughtfully to be happy within myself independent of my circumstances, I now walk the walk AND talk the talk. I’m a firm believer in practicing what you preach and find “do as I say not as I do”ers an incredibly frustrating bunch especially as co-parents!
The Thought Life as I like to think of this in-the-works quasi-life program geared toward anyone wanting to live a simply happy life and have the choice to be happy despite anything life throws at them, is also inspired by AA and NA’s 12 Step programs and can go hand in hand with any of the Anonymous step programs and will have some similarities but without the focus on addiction and alcoholism (or codependency, overeating, etc et al) but rather can help anyone take back control and stop giving outside forces the power that only we should have over ourselves, and just have to choose to practice self acceptance and taking responsibility for our lives to do so.
ONWARD TO ˢᵗᵉᴘ 2 ᴘᵃʳᵗ ʙ 3 ON OUR JOURNEY TO A LIFE OF SIMPLE HAPPINESS WHERE WE CAN CHOOSE HAPPINESS DAILY BECAUSE WHY OR WHAT ELSE WOULD WE CHOOSE SINCE IT’S [FINALLY] OUR CHOICE!?
scribbLes4sanity 