I Never Have to Use Again

For the first time in my life I am genuinely 100% sober.
Since the age of 15 I started smoking pot, drinking on occasion.
To be completely honest, as I try to consistently be, I hated smoking pot, still do when I have once in a blue moon over the past 20 years since those teenage days. So why did I? Cause it was what to do. And I, like I believe most of us if we’re honest with ourselves, was trying to fill this indescribable void that I didn’t know why it was there and took me 20 years to figure out the only way to fill. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I married an alcoholic at 19 and we brought the best blessing of a child into this world. We never should have been married but I was still trying to fill that void and I thought that would do it. Of course it didn’t. Our marriage lasted 11 years but we separated after 2 or 3. I got into drinking but he got to be the alcoholic and so I couldn’t be, yet. Recently he betrayed me in a way I never saw coming and while I’m hurt and baffled 2 years still with him betraying me and our daughter I forgive him and love him just as much if not more than the day we brought our baby into the world.

We never actually broke up. He was having a great day at work stopped at the bar on the way home for a beer. We were talking and all was great. Then I couldn’t get him on the phone. See that one beer, I didn’t know it at the time, wasn’t enough, would never be enough for an alcoholic like my husband. Next call I got was from the Renton jail and he’d crashed his beloved truck somewhere we’d never even been meaning to be coming home. Come to find out one beer became a pitcher and another and another ad nauseum. I brought our baby girl to visit him in jail. He had a record, he wasn’t getting PRed and we were a couple broke kids so I couldn’t bail him out.

Then while I was at work one day my mother, grandmother, grandfather, and brother, packed up my house without my consent and moved me into my mom’s house to live. As luck would have it my husband got out that same day and came home to our home empty save for the pot he’d been growing that my little brother had kept the real adults from discovering. My mother is an unforgiving hateful woman so he went to live with his brother, ironically where we’d first met, and slowly we went on with our lives.

To be continued….

Today I have 5 days sober. One day at a time. Slow and steady; life’s a marathon and I’m done sprinting.

Blindsided

Survival of the fittest or most duplicitous? I’ve heard it asked : What’s the point of having it all if you’ve got no one to share it with , but I wonder if those who truly have it all could trust those around them to be unmotivated by what they have anyway. I thought I would rather spend my life with my children and worry less or naught about having things. Turns out, though, when people can’t take things they take what matters most to me anyway. And even when they’ve taken all meaning from my life and I’m trying to rise above and keep enjoying life somehow, they keep taking. It’s always the people I think I can trust the most it seems. I naively believe they want the best for me (like they often even have the lying capacity to say even while turning the knife they’ve stabbed in my back that I haven’t realized is even there yet) and with me. Yet once again I trusted and believed just to be let down completely caught off guard and made to look unfit and unprepared and then betrayed beyond my wildest of fears. Since that fateful day they’ve also refused to acknowledge me or allow me to see my two favorite most precious babygirls – who are no longer babies but always will be my babies! and go about life pretending I don’t exist and/or am worthless and justify their unlawful withholding of my children from me whilst poisoning my daughters to look down on and disrespect me. Couldn’t leaving me high and dry when I gave birth to my son after 6 months of planning and trusting my dearest beings with you been enough punishment (for what I’ve been waiting 18 months nearly to be informed myself because there is no justification and I did nothing to bring about such a betrayal from those who claimed to be my family) just screwing up my whole world and giving my baby to her abuser and lying to her about everything when I had stupidly told her she could trust you wasn’t enough?!

But all I can do is breath deeply, calm my frustrated and hurt feels and wait for the courts to let me back in. I won’t even retaliate which so easily I could upend some people’s worlds like they did mine but I’ve learned revenge is a dish best not served because it’s fighting negativity with more negativity and I don’t enjoy negativity so I must be the bigger person and forgive and let it go and move forward. My only focus is my daughters’ happiness, best interest and having them in my life because it serves both the former aspects. Their other adults be damned, they can be their miserable selves and unhappy over there and it can no longer touch me because I will say being around so much hatred and self loathing took a real toll on my soul that I was actively avoiding spending time with them in the end to steer clear of the constant complaining and lack of integrity and honesty with themselves, each other, and everyone else too. Just give me back time with my girls cause legally you should have this entire time!!! Felonious choices that I cannot help what the courts do with if ya’ll continue to refuse to talk to me and avoid me, you don’t get to do that when you have my children, see?