Survival of the fittest or most duplicitous? I’ve heard it asked : What’s the point of having it all if you’ve got no one to share it with , but I wonder if those who truly have it all could trust those around them to be unmotivated by what they have anyway. I thought I would rather spend my life with my children and worry less or naught about having things. Turns out, though, when people can’t take things they take what matters most to me anyway. And even when they’ve taken all meaning from my life and I’m trying to rise above and keep enjoying life somehow, they keep taking. It’s always the people I think I can trust the most it seems. I naively believe they want the best for me (like they often even have the lying capacity to say even while turning the knife they’ve stabbed in my back that I haven’t realized is even there yet) and with me. Yet once again I trusted and believed just to be let down completely caught off guard and made to look unfit and unprepared and then betrayed beyond my wildest of fears. Since that fateful day they’ve also refused to acknowledge me or allow me to see my two favorite most precious babygirls – who are no longer babies but always will be my babies! and go about life pretending I don’t exist and/or am worthless and justify their unlawful withholding of my children from me whilst poisoning my daughters to look down on and disrespect me. Couldn’t leaving me high and dry when I gave birth to my son after 6 months of planning and trusting my dearest beings with you been enough punishment (for what I’ve been waiting 18 months nearly to be informed myself because there is no justification and I did nothing to bring about such a betrayal from those who claimed to be my family) just screwing up my whole world and giving my baby to her abuser and lying to her about everything when I had stupidly told her she could trust you wasn’t enough?!

But all I can do is breath deeply, calm my frustrated and hurt feels and wait for the courts to let me back in. I won’t even retaliate which so easily I could upend some people’s worlds like they did mine but I’ve learned revenge is a dish best not served because it’s fighting negativity with more negativity and I don’t enjoy negativity so I must be the bigger person and forgive and let it go and move forward. My only focus is my daughters’ happiness, best interest and having them in my life because it serves both the former aspects. Their other adults be damned, they can be their miserable selves and unhappy over there and it can no longer touch me because I will say being around so much hatred and self loathing took a real toll on my soul that I was actively avoiding spending time with them in the end to steer clear of the constant complaining and lack of integrity and honesty with themselves, each other, and everyone else too. Just give me back time with my girls cause legally you should have this entire time!!! Felonious choices that I cannot help what the courts do with if ya’ll continue to refuse to talk to me and avoid me, you don’t get to do that when you have my children, see?

Thin Blood

Oh snap!
did I disappoint you, too?
wait who are you, again?
& why should I give a damn?
oh yeah I remember… you have money
and I didn’t fall in your line
so you’re taking sides

against me but see
thats against us
me and my girls when we trust-ed
how could I not see…?
all it takes it the
not even lining up evenly, often nonsensical,
always complete bullshit!
renderings of a compulsive narcissist
without the brain cells to barely exist?!
yet here I sit because
blood is not as thick as you’d hope or expect
all it takes is
no evidence nope nothing at all
just enjoying watching me fall
so they can shame me and stand
tall wagging fingers all the while
carelessly, recklessly, completely,
ruining the childhoods of the two
innocents you swore you were defending

thats the issue – but you can’t see
you all were busy trying to control
and ruin me
taking cues from the manipulative abuser
while she – both of my babies – cried out for help
and you all ignored
rewarding yourselves and
seemingly righteously feeling
turning upside down
our whole lives
based on the word of his
compulsive and maniuplative
lies and complete make beleive.

**Funny when it all comes to light
ya’all have disappeared and are nowhere to be found…
still trying to defend your mistakes and betrayal
can’t look lil ol me in the eye, your daughter, your niece, your granddaughter
and my girls whom you all openly deceived
buying the words of who turned out to be
what I told you all along – abusive, neglectful, manipulating everyone
poisoning my daughters and ya’ll against me
with lies I proved untrue and yet you
judgmental, hypocritical no-longer-our family
just enjoy keeping your ugly ass noses in the air
and when you should eat crow and apologize
you’re too pathetic to own your shit and fight fair.