Thin Blood

Oh snap!
did I disappoint you, too?
wait who are you, again?
& why should I give a damn?
oh yeah I remember… you have money
and I didn’t fall in your line
so you’re taking sides

against me but see
thats against us
me and my girls when we trust-ed
how could I not see…?
all it takes it the
not even lining up evenly, often nonsensical,
always complete bullshit!
renderings of a compulsive narcissist
without the brain cells to barely exist?!
yet here I sit because
blood is not as thick as you’d hope or expect
all it takes is
no evidence nope nothing at all
just enjoying watching me fall
so they can shame me and stand
tall wagging fingers all the while
carelessly, recklessly, completely,
ruining the childhoods of the two
innocents you swore you were defending

thats the issue – but you can’t see
you all were busy trying to control
and ruin me
taking cues from the manipulative abuser
while she – both of my babies – cried out for help
and you all ignored
rewarding yourselves and
seemingly righteously feeling
turning upside down
our whole lives
based on the word of his
compulsive and maniuplative
lies and complete make beleive.

**Funny when it all comes to light
ya’all have disappeared and are nowhere to be found…
still trying to defend your mistakes and betrayal
can’t look lil ol me in the eye, your daughter, your niece, your granddaughter
and my girls whom you all openly deceived
buying the words of who turned out to be
what I told you all along – abusive, neglectful, manipulating everyone
poisoning my daughters and ya’ll against me
with lies I proved untrue and yet you
judgmental, hypocritical no-longer-our family
just enjoy keeping your ugly ass noses in the air
and when you should eat crow and apologize
you’re too pathetic to own your shit and fight fair.

Not Having Enough Time.

When we say we don’t have time to do certain things, we actually do. We just don’t place enough priority for them to be worthy of our time. Imagine having a plate of food. There’s only so much we can fit on the plate before it becomes full. To make room for a certain type […]


Not Having Enough Time.

Time takes time.

Unveiling (Published at The Writers Club)

Life is a masked ball,a disguise for cheats.Costumes always fall,exposing concrete.Some will want no endto their masquerade,comforts play pretend,truth makes them afraid. I too was a clown,living in a lie,till I heard the sounds,of my heartbeats cry.I made my life realfacing all I knew,I then learned to feelclearing all my views. Push all masks asideunveil […]

Unveiling (Published at The Writers Club)

Check out an amazingly talented and awe inspiring blogger/writer I’m so grateful to have found (through them liking my post so even more gratitude there!) because their words grip my soul and it’s like the song about the man “Killing Me Softly With His Songs” by the Fugees which for nostalgia and the love of a good songs’ sake I’ll add the main lyrics below for you to enjoy as I am singing them in my head as I type!
Resilience syllablicly written under wood steps on yellow wall crumpled pink paper outlined to look like a lightbulb at the top step.

And now going old school here’s the core lyrics from the Fugees “Killing Me Softly With His Song” ::

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him, and listen for a while
And there he was, this young boy, stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers (one time, one time)
Singing my life with his words (two times, two times)
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he'd found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers (one time, one time)
Singing my life with his words (two times, two times)
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

My Main Mantras

My Main Mantras

Mantras to memorize (modify to your own verbage/word style to make them easier to remember and be more true to you):
Nobody’s perfect (or Pobody’s Nerfect from “the Good Place” television series)
This too shall pass/No season [no darkness] lasts forever
Time takes time (it took me so much time to get to where I am at so I cannot expect thinsg to miraculously be better overnight)
One day (or hour/minute/moment) at a time
Be here, now (live in the present, be mindful)
You can’t eat an entire alligator cow in one bite (When I heard/readthis one it said elephant but elephants are my spirit animal and I would never think to eat an elephant then again I wouldn’t likely eat an alligator because I don’t eat much meat as it is….)
Everything is temporary/This is not permanent (this not only helps remind me that as the econd mantra says: “this too shall pass” but also that even the good things in life are not constants that will be here for sure tomorrow so to appreciate everything and everyone in my life in the present)
Worry is a pointless emotion/I’ve had a lot of problems in my life and most of them never even happened (When I think back to similar situations I’ve been in in the past where I’ve had the same type of anxiety or worry pop into my brain I realize that the majority of the time the things I fretted happening never did and I wasted a lot of time and energy on the what ifs. If a situation is within my control then all I can do is make the best right choice in my course of action and if it is not then I must let go and let God [TED])
Let go and let God [TED, whatever you call your HP/Higher Power] if a situation/outcome is out of my control (which most are or at least partially are) then I’ve learned to pray (or chat with which is my kind of praying) to my HP to take my worry and then trust Him to do what is best even if that means it’s not exactly what I would’ve wanted to happen because I have also realized that I very seldomknow what is bet for me and if i had my way in a lot of situations I would not have learned so many valuable lessons that only come from dealing with the tough stuff head on.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that’s why we call it the present. This little nugget is straight from the halls of my elementary school lolol but it hits home at the three basic truths of mindfulness and living in the now: 1) the past is just that – past, it cannot be changed, altered, corrected, etc in any way no matter how long we dwell on the could’ve/should’ve/would’ve of it! So let it be, learn from it where you can and then let it go and move forward. 2) tomorrow will be today tomorrow and then it is worth focusing on but worry over what is yet to occur and may not happen 3) today is a gift that I’ve spent too often fretting over the yesterdays and tomorrows and so now I don’t instead I practice mindfulness and being here, now.

In Case You Missed It!

I made this page with links to my favorite daily meditations and my top 2 go to blogs/sites that keep me inspired and on track. I also made it visually fun for your enjoyment and mine!! Just click on the picture or the descriptions and it’ll send you to whichever you want to check out today!!

Choose happiness and be kind, it’s free so give it freely!!

Be easy and stay beautifully you as only you can do!

The Thought Life

Also head over to one of my favorite sites and check out 16 Ways to Become a Better Person Today cause per usual he is spot on with where my heads at and these are all great ways to start being the best you you can be!!

Speaking of Minding My Business

The second part of step 3 on my journey to controlling my thinking and in turn having the capability of choosing happiness on a daily basis and living a simply happy life despite and often in spite of my circumstances is all about minding my business! In my last post I stepped out from under my rock (of which I have intentionally built and stay happily under most days) and shared my feelings of frustration at the overturning of Roe v Wade by the supreme court whom I feel are very shortsighted in their choice in doing so and I briefly explained my position. I ended with the simple statement that I don’t feel it is another person’s place to judge and rally against the doings of someone else that do not in any way affect themselves! But I’m past that, mostly, because well its not in my control in the least and things that are not within my ability to change or at least have a hand in changing I don’t allow to affect my mood or happiness.

So part one of step 3 is all about taking control of our thinking through reframing our negative thoughts. Now it took me a good 6 months to master this as a habit and do so subconsciously rather than having to put real effort and attention towards identifying, stopping, and reframing the negative thoughts I had. I had the times where I backslid and forgot to be on top of my thinking at all and had to start back at square one at least two times that stand out for me and it was just not natural or at least didn’t come naturally or easily for me to get in the habit of doing. But – I did it! I got it down as a habit and now I DO naturally reframe negative thoughts. It is freeing and I am happier, healthier and lighter for it. It also has helped my overcome insomnia and acute anxiety, including but not limited to panic attacks, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, and social anxiety. I am medication free and alcohol free as well which is also freeing and healthier. I’m not saying that this will do all of that for anyone else or that it is what anyone else needs it is just what I needed and what’s best for me and my life to be! Don’t give up when it gets tough or frustrating, it can become second nature just keep working at it and have faith.

Within our negative thinking there is a large cluster of one type of negative thinking that most people are guilty of doing that is one of the hardest I found to overcome (and my dad, until recently, swore was natural and everyone does it and he didn’t believe that I don’t anymore and have been teaching my children not to do so) because at least in my family it is a normal part of conversation and thus my way of thinking – judging others, criticizing others, comparing ourselves to others. Often times when thinking of our negative thinking we don’t include our negative thoughts of others; it may seem obvious to many that these do count as negative thoughts but sometimes our negative thoughts of others are made to make ourselves feel superior or better than. C’mon at least admit it to yourself, I’m admitting my shortcomings to the world wide web so you can come clean to you – I know you can! It took me a lot of years to accept that I was judging others and then a few more to get honest with myself and identify what I was self-conscious about or what I feared that led me to judge another person for being human like all of us.

Same as with all of our negative thoughts judgmental thinking of the negative variety (to them or to ourselves through judgment, criticism or comparison) must be identified as such and stopped when they creep into our brain. We will for sure reframe those thoughts but before doing that when it comes to judgments of others, or ourselves even, we have to add a bit of introspection beyond just reframing them to truly overcome this category of negative thinking. So when I STOP a judgment like, “Those pants look a couple sizes too small for her, maybe she should have looked in the mirror before leaving the house – sausage thighs anyone?” (And that is a waaay over the top type of judgment I haven’t thought since my girlfriend and I used to have this -I am just now realizing- kind of mean girls diss that I don’t think we were as quiet about as I’d like to believe looking back in middle school saying, “Did she/he get dressed in his grandma’s closet with the lights out this morning?” or some such variation. Eww that was not cute of our little insecure preteen and early teenage selves!) So with that awful criticism of said girl in too tight (in my opinion) pants I would have to first STOP THAT THOUGHT and analyze what I was feeling insecure about or what fear I had that made me feel the need to feel bad energy toward another human being just going about her business? In this scenario, and for a lot of mine when I began doing this introspective work on my judgmental thoughts, I knew all too well what my insecurity and fears were about my own weight growing up until my early twenties and believed about my weight (although I was so very wrong but what I saw when I looked in the mirror was not a reflection of my actual size just apparently my warped perceived size) through my twenties until my very late 20s/early 30s and along with the insecurity I had had then even once I could see my amazing figure in real time the fear of going back-even if only in my own head-to being larger than I felt comfortable was real. So to reframe this thought after identifying my actual self-conscious reason for having it would be to say, “What she is wearing is not my business and I probably still wear tighter pants than that on occasion and look hot in them as well!” And for me if I am still near the person I’ve made the judgment about when I’m through with my self analysis if I genuinely find something about her style cute or noteworthy I will compliment her on that and if nothing about her style is of my preference then I will simply say something kind to the affect of having a good day and enjoying life. And no even if I were right about the pants it is never my place to give another person unsolicited advice and would be completely rude to assume I was right or she wasn’t comfortable in her own choice of clothing.

Other judgments I found myself having was of other mothers’ ways of parenting or lack there of again an insecurity about my own motherly abilities and/or having been in the same scenario and been super embarrassed/uncomfortable and rather than commiserating (even in my own head) I’d pass judgment which is exactly what I’d hoped wasn’t being done to me. Seeing happy or unhappy couples brings up feelings of my own relationship inadequacies in the form of judging and/or comparing. I found once I started really taking control of my thinking including my judgmental thoughts I really started to analyze my own self worth and we’ll be doing just that in the next “step” toward choosing our own happiness through controlling our thinking. Most of what I found I knew to some extent or another that it was there but admitting it to myself without excuses and taking full responsibility for my choices and mistakes in life opened some new doors to self knowledge and I’ve also learned to respect myself and love myself on a whole different level than before.

So what about those self judgments I’ve mentioned? I think they’re more obvious once we start looking at ourselves more honestly and without bullshitting about why we are where we are and what we are and fully learn to accept and love ourselves as the works in progress we all are. Just like judgments of others though take that extra step from just reframing to dig a bit deeper into the why we’re feeling that way about ourselves as we would another person we’re judging. I often found that my self judgments were in my head as my mother’s judgments and in her voice often as well and I often gave her credit for judgments that while she may have had them of me they were actually my own now.

And while it seems that we’re focusing a lot on the negative aspects of our thinking and selves the truth is that we are progressing toward eliminating the majority of that type of thinking and with the reframing and turning them to positive and/or worthwhile thoughts/ideas the idea is that we are actually focusing more on the positive product we come out with and letting go of that negative thinking/thought. Like everything in life practice makes progress and progress and bettering ourselves just a little bit every day is what I think life is all about. We’re never too old or young or too far gone or too inexperienced to grow and become better people.

A couple HUGELY important REALITIES I’ll leave you with that have helped me tenfold in my journey:
Most people are, like you and me, focusing mostly on themselves and that little embarrassing moment you think everyone is talking about or what you wish you would have said in that conversation and are worried someone is judging you by – they’re most likely having the same type of worries about themselves and are far more likely to be thinking about themselves than you so LET IT GO!!! No need for coulda woulda shoulda thinking! Whats done is done and thank goodness for that; learn from it and move on and if possible try to do better the next time but YOU are the only one microanalyzing YOU the way WE ALL DO!!
What the next person thinks about me IS NOT MY BUSINESS nor do I care anymore because 1. it’s not my business 2. I love myself and anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth my brain space 3. I cannot control someone else’s thoughts or opinions of me or anything else and I don’t want to that’s exhausting sounding at just the idea of it! 4. I love everyone anyway and people have a hard time finding fellows to hate on that with them and if they do well I don’t know about it and I love em anyway!

Enjoy your day and spread love to someone you find hard to love today! No matter what life is both too long and too short to hold resentments or grudges so LET THAT SHIT GO and love em anyway broken and trying just like the rest of us!

Minding my business.

I live happily under a rock on purpose and I haven’t been able to miss the overturning of Roe v Wade, try as I might to avoid the propaganda and deliberate dividing of our nation done by our government and media and news outlets. I’m no conspiracy nut I just know that the actual powers that be we don’t actually see and we’re like an old school Sims game to them. They are that ever-ambiguous “they” pulling the strings of society and sitting back to see how we handle this or that, the red pill or the blue?

Usually, even when things erk me about what “they” are doing, I keep it to myself and let it go because more often than not there is not a darn thing I can do about their choices and most don’t directly affect me anyway. Roe v Wade being overturned doesn’t effect me; I’m anti-abortion as a personal choice but pro-choice on a grander scale because it is not my business or within my purview to decide what is right or best for other people. And THAT is why I am so bothered by this decision handed down by the supreme court. Now I get it, like Black Lives Matter and the whole melodrama over Covid-19, Roe v Wade overturned is another way of dividing our nation and to keep us fighting amongst ourselves. However, this one actually seriously can fuck with a woman’s life and then a child’s life and well being in the long run. It is a short sighted decision in my opinion. We already don’t have enough resources for the women who want to get pregnant and cannot afford it here in my state and we aren’t a Bible state like some I’ve been hearing about. One of such states is said to have the highest infant mortality rates AND highest low income pregnancies nationwide! And this state is also going back to the olden days and reaffirming their antiquated anti-abortion laws!

Here’s the reality of what the old farts on the supreme court don’t seem to be able to see the big picture of: allowing these states to shut down abortion clinics without already having the resources in place for all these soon-to-be-born unwanted babies is going to make for more neglect and abuse of children. Plain and simple – I do believe that 50% of those who would have had abortions will turn out to be grateful for having there babies no matter the hardships this creates and they may be great loving parents but the other 50% that will either leave their babies at firestations where that is allowed or be forced to keep them and resent and neglect them is an awful lot of eventual adults likely to be criminals and even if not children with miserable childhoods.

And last thing and I’ll have said my piece. The people who advocate and picket abortion clinics: GOD SAYS DO NOT JUDGE SO STOP JUDGING IN HIS NAME and MIND YOUR BUSINESS!! You have every right to your feelings as does that poor woman already broken over the choice she is making -because while not for all majority of women having abortions aren’t thrilled about it- and you don’t know why or what her circumstances are and are just an asshole for making your opinion stigmatize and create an even worse situation out of the worst situation! Go back and reread your bibles and be like Jesus as God wants and keep your side of the street clean and if you’ve got nothing nice to say keep it to your damn self!

Okay be easy people and love one another today anyway!