AA Step 2 Part 3 & 4 Step Work

Step 2 Part 3: Ideas, emotions and attitudes from my addiction.

I’m not the biggest fan of looking backward and am at peace with my past today. However, my sponsor asked me to complete a full page on this part and I am doing as I am suggested to do because she knows better how to stay sober than I do.

I will still premise this by saying that I DO NOT REGRET NOR WOULD I CHANGE ANY of my past mistakes because they made me the person I am today and God put me through my trials in life for His Reasons.

I was selfish, self centered, and self seeking in my addiction even when I thought I was not. Using drugs/alcohol while being a parent even if it was after they were asleep was/is not healthy or being a good parent/example for my children. I put my needs above M’s and while he stayed with me sober since before I met him I was toxic for his sobriety and life and thank God he stuck by me but I was selfish in allowing him to. I put my parents/family/friends through hell with worry and no matter what they did as a result I am to responsible for causing them pain.

I experienced psychosis because of using and at one point thought Jesus was tugging at my “Earthly belongings” including my clothes to remove them and so I did and proceeded to walk naked down the sidewalk during rush hour traffic believing I was going to walk to my grandmothers miles and miles away. *Thankfully the EMTs picked me up about a mile down the road. And took me to get the help I needed. I was fully drug/alcohol free but experiencing psychosis from using/trauma I had just gone through.*

I believed I was a functioning addict/alcoholic because for the longest time I had everything I needed in life while in my addiction and it was only taken away when people realized after I’d already quit on my own.

I didn’t have a connection/relationship with my HP no matter how hard I tried to get spiritually fit while a dry drunk for 5 years and using here and there something was blocking that. Now I know it was the using/drinking that was the block.

The “pink cloud” and believing I was the second coming of Christ (aided by a toxic party trying to use me for her gain) or on the Truman Show.

What I was looking for in my using/drinking I’ve found in sobriety. Pretty crazy but its amazing.

Step 2 Part 4: Opposites of step 2 part 3’s emotions, attitudes and ideas:

Positives.
Love everyone anyways, always. Look for the positives. Reframing negative thinking/thoughts comes naturally now.
Self love – putting God first, myself second thus first, and my family third thus first.
Thy will, not mine, be done. Letting my HP guide me/direct me what the next right decision/action is.

I only have control over my actions, reactions, and thoughts, no one or anything else in this world or my life. I choose to be happy and serene.

Time takes time and I’ve got time even thought it isn’t always comfortable to be patient especially for things I did/do not and my daughters did/do not deserve. I’ve come to realize they are only kids for 18 short years and I already got to experience and enjoy the majority of those years with them everyday and mostly just the three of us. Right now they’re seeing the other adults in their lives for what they are and I never have to say anything negative about these people to them like they do to my daughters about me. I raised my girls in their most formative years with love and teaching them self love and knowing they can NEVER disappoint or upset me with them. So even if it takes ANOTHER 2 years to see them (which God willing it won’t) our bond is strong enough to withstand and always has been. They know I love and miss them and think of them every single day. And God is protecting them while I can’t right now. Choosing to be patient and try to wait for change was my way of protecting them from having to hear lies and awful things and fights about/over my by their other adults so that my girls could have better childhoods for it.

My past – every aspect good/bad/indifferent – and each day’s happenings are in God’s hands and needed/happened/are happening for His Reasons and I have no regrets or resentments or pain from anything today. The lessons He needed me to learn I’ve learned and I know my part in even the stuff I wasn’t the “offending party/bad guy” in and today I know my side of the street is clean and I’m doing my part and listening to and talking to God is legitimate now.

Even when something upsets me today I am still full of serenity and peace because God is directing me. And I can see and understand other people’s side/POV/perspective even when/if I don’t agree and have empathy and compassion for them and be understanding and helpful. I love everyone and judge no one. And its genuine and real in a way I can’t describe with words. My HP is real. No stupid pink cloud BS that is liable to pop and send me back down the rabbit hole or foggy brain or uncertainty this time.

I never have to/want to use or drink or be codependent/dependent on anything/anyone and so long as I continue to depend on and talk to my HP daily, regularly and follow His direction I will be okay.

AA Step 2 Part 1 & 2 Step Work

Step 2 Part 1: What my God/Higher Power is.

Unconditionally loving of EVERY human being.

My Higher Power (HP) started off as a waterfall/or mountain.
Today 03-13-2023 and for the last short while (a couple years now) my HP is my best friend, Father, confidant, mentor, and I often refer to Him as TED but call Him God as well. I am a daughter of God and I’m finally letting him take the wheel in the car of my life.

He is NOT the “feared” God of religion. He is all love and I finally am able to really hear His guidance daily in my life because I’m asking for it and talking to him. I’m genuinely asking numerous times a day/whenever needing to make a decision I’m even a little unsure about for direction and “Thy will, not mine, be done.” And He guides me. And today since I am clean/sober I can hear/listen to His guidance and not question or wonder if I am fooling myself like I have done in the past.

I feel God’s love flowing through me and directing me to people who need Him and where I can be helpful. God gives me the purpose I’ve been searching for and the serenity and peace to be with myself and fully love/know/respect myself today.

My God is all powerful and all knowing and nothing happens in my life by mistake. My God will not/does not give me more than I can/am able to handle. Every aspect of my past happened for God’s Reasons and I am no longer resentful or upset or feel any negativity or obsess over my past mistakes/life lessons/failures/embarrassments nor do I blame anyone/anything/God for any hurts/betrayals/other people’s unkind choices/my fuckups/anything from my past and I can fully see the role I played in every aspect of my shortcomings/missteps/negative situations/life and forgive all those who have harmed/hurt me/my daughters and even see their possible good intentions/motives even when the outcome proved otherwise in the end.

My HP is kindness, acceptance, tolerance, and understanding. He does not judge me or anyone and neither do/should I because we are all the sons and daughters of God. My HP is not religious but he understands and appreciates the good intentions of religion and doesn’t care how we heal just wants to heal all His children through us.

Step 2 Part 2: What my God is not?

To blame. To give me material things.
In control of my choices, actions, and behaviors.
Going to do the work for me.
To be feared/fear.
A joke or copout or lie or a maybe.
Going to force me or chase me (but He will always be there).
Judgmental or unforgiving.
Religion or religious.

AA Step 1 – My Step Work

Step 1: 5 things that made my life unmanageable in my addiction.

1. Using/drinking/altering my natural state of mind messes with/dupes my reality/I lose my sanity, my serenity, my brain.
2. I didn’t/couldn’t do right for my daughters being “hidden” from me
3. I was/am toxic for M and everyone in my life.
4. Thinking I was a “functioning addict/alcoholic”
5. Having no HP or at least a real honest connection/relationship with Him.

5 things I’m powerless over:

1. Other people – their actions, behaviors, feelings, anything/everything outside myself.
2. My addiction/using/etc – if I use I’m choosing misery and possible death by my own stupidity.
3. Triggers – they’re everywhere in life.
4. Environments/energies in a room.
5. Being in control of my life – “Thy will, not mine, be done”

Gratitude List

Before I got a sponsor or at least started actively working with her I knew enough about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)- of which I am a member and for me I have no issue breaking anonymity but I will ALWAYS respect the anonymity of others in the program -to get started working my steps right out of the gate. So I made a gratitude list (as I have done many times when I feel my life is unmanageable/I need to settle my brain and thinking down). I think sharing my step work can/may be able to show another person how simple the “design for living” in AA is and hopefully somewhere/someday (or not) someone suffering can see there is a way out.

So without further ado my GRATITUDE LIST 03/07/2023 (9 days into my sobriety this time around):

*Usually folks say to do a list of 5 which is what I’ve usually done/do but if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten I’ve heard so I did 10 in order of importance in my life*

1. My Higher Power, I call him Ted/God and having a REAL relationship with him today.
2. Me, ALIVE, SANE, SOBER, WILLING
3. My kiddos health and happiness and knowing and trusting my HP is protecting my girls while they’re fathers continue to “hide them” from me going on 2 years yesterday. My son being born amazingly perfect and super smart and him having the dad that he does who is number 4.
4. M’s love and understanding and support and unconditionally loving me anyway even when I thought he didn’t care/was indifferent. Him continuing to have faith and support my crazy ass while I was a dry drunk for 5 years (in meetings not working a program) and still getting high on dry goods (drugs) while he stayed sober since before I met him.
5. My dad and my lil brother for almost always loving me anyway and supporting me through it all.
6. AA and the fellowship, my chosen family, and the new friends I’m meeting and the old friends who never gave up on me.
7. Forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally always. And knowing my human fallibility and being okay with my mistakes.
8. Knowing I’m worthwhile and respecting myself fully and creating healthy boundaries in my life today.
9. Learning to get boundaries.
10. Life and living life on life’s (God’s) terms today. Turning my will over to the God of my understanding each morning and letting He who has all power have all power direct my life today, knowing He’s got me.

Let me tell you bout my bestfriend

Finding myself adrift and steadily spiralling toward oblivion God put this handsome soul in my path to ebb my self destruction. The phrase “God sent” took on incredibly real meaning in that moment and through the past half decade or so this gift He bestowed upon my life keeps on proving it’s truth. While I may stumble in my remembrance of the value and goodness that having the fortune of being unconditionally loved by someone not blood related but solely by his choosing to continue to do so I do my darnedest to show my gratitude and appreciation for everything he’s done for me. Even with me sometimes unfairly placing him on a pedestal of my neediness’s expectations he continues to rise above where most would turn and run and hide. I forget that he is fallible as every human being is because his effect on my world has been so supernatural and life saving. Other friends whom I know mean well and love me dearly cannot understand why I return to our relationship that seems at times to be more pain than pleasure but I’ve come to realize that all pain brings growth both personally and within our partnership. It’s great when love and companionship are easy and simple but how fast would that stagnate if we stop growing and real growth comes in those instances you’d not put yourself in because it is uncomfortable or it hurts and yet there always seems to be simple happiness on the other side of most everything that brings me pain and discomfort. And when I recall that God sent me this person in my dire time of need I trust that He reciprocally put me in his life for a similar reason. Thus another life lesson I am slow to learn and quick to forget being that the world doesn’t revolve around me and this union is a two way street so it’s not always about what I need but also what this wonderful man I get to call and experience life having as my bestfriend, my person needs to go through and have me by his side unconditionally loving and accepting and forgiving him and myself as we smoothly sail and when we trip and fall.

All I did was add his photos of the 43 orphans he takes care of to my social media