You Can Help

I’ve been in contact with these kids in Uganda for the past two years and helped raise $300 for them to stay in their home/orphanage and pay their rent when I first started video chatting with them and one of the young men who run the orphanage. They are again in need of help to stay in their home and prayers and donations to help them are greatly appreciated. I started a GoFundMe https://gofund.me/63f2ca5f to raise money to help them.

Please help if you can and pray for them! I’m going to post here what I posted on the GoFundMe page for more info so click above or here https://gofund.me/63f2ca5f or read below and follow the links to donate!! Thanks for all your help!

Help Save These 50 beautiful Souls’ Home! Click to read and donate.

We helped raise $300 for these amazing kids who are happy with next to nothing 2 years ago when their were 46 beautiful souls at this struggling orphanage.  Now they have 50 children as the young man who runs it said, “I added some because of the increasing number of suffering children in our area child and you drop tears yet i would like to see every child happy…” They are located in Uganda, jinja district. 

Rent is their big challenge as they don’t have their own owned home. Also food because there are times when they don’t even know what they’ll have to eat/feed the children the next day! Another struggle is clothing because some children don’t have blankets to keep them warm/comfortable during the nights. Another need is medication because they don’t have enough mosquito nets so some of the children do struggle with malaria as they have alot of mosquitoes here. The children are in the age range of 5-14.

I talk with these kids and Kisoma Ian, who helps run Hope Ministries and takes care of these 50 beautiful souls, regularly and we video chat and they are so sweet and grateful for life!!

Your donation big or small will help keep them in their home, be fed and clothed and provide them with medication and more mosquito nets. Prayers are appreciated and needed! Thank you for all your help! 

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”

Nelson Mandela 

“We make a living by what we get 

     But we make a life by what we give.”

                              Winston Churchill 

“We cannot do great things on this Earth, 

                                       Only small things with great love.”

                                     Mother Teresa 

AA Step 2 Part 3 & 4 Step Work

Step 2 Part 3: Ideas, emotions and attitudes from my addiction.

I’m not the biggest fan of looking backward and am at peace with my past today. However, my sponsor asked me to complete a full page on this part and I am doing as I am suggested to do because she knows better how to stay sober than I do.

I will still premise this by saying that I DO NOT REGRET NOR WOULD I CHANGE ANY of my past mistakes because they made me the person I am today and God put me through my trials in life for His Reasons.

I was selfish, self centered, and self seeking in my addiction even when I thought I was not. Using drugs/alcohol while being a parent even if it was after they were asleep was/is not healthy or being a good parent/example for my children. I put my needs above M’s and while he stayed with me sober since before I met him I was toxic for his sobriety and life and thank God he stuck by me but I was selfish in allowing him to. I put my parents/family/friends through hell with worry and no matter what they did as a result I am to responsible for causing them pain.

I experienced psychosis because of using and at one point thought Jesus was tugging at my “Earthly belongings” including my clothes to remove them and so I did and proceeded to walk naked down the sidewalk during rush hour traffic believing I was going to walk to my grandmothers miles and miles away. *Thankfully the EMTs picked me up about a mile down the road. And took me to get the help I needed. I was fully drug/alcohol free but experiencing psychosis from using/trauma I had just gone through.*

I believed I was a functioning addict/alcoholic because for the longest time I had everything I needed in life while in my addiction and it was only taken away when people realized after I’d already quit on my own.

I didn’t have a connection/relationship with my HP no matter how hard I tried to get spiritually fit while a dry drunk for 5 years and using here and there something was blocking that. Now I know it was the using/drinking that was the block.

The “pink cloud” and believing I was the second coming of Christ (aided by a toxic party trying to use me for her gain) or on the Truman Show.

What I was looking for in my using/drinking I’ve found in sobriety. Pretty crazy but its amazing.

Step 2 Part 4: Opposites of step 2 part 3’s emotions, attitudes and ideas:

Positives.
Love everyone anyways, always. Look for the positives. Reframing negative thinking/thoughts comes naturally now.
Self love – putting God first, myself second thus first, and my family third thus first.
Thy will, not mine, be done. Letting my HP guide me/direct me what the next right decision/action is.

I only have control over my actions, reactions, and thoughts, no one or anything else in this world or my life. I choose to be happy and serene.

Time takes time and I’ve got time even thought it isn’t always comfortable to be patient especially for things I did/do not and my daughters did/do not deserve. I’ve come to realize they are only kids for 18 short years and I already got to experience and enjoy the majority of those years with them everyday and mostly just the three of us. Right now they’re seeing the other adults in their lives for what they are and I never have to say anything negative about these people to them like they do to my daughters about me. I raised my girls in their most formative years with love and teaching them self love and knowing they can NEVER disappoint or upset me with them. So even if it takes ANOTHER 2 years to see them (which God willing it won’t) our bond is strong enough to withstand and always has been. They know I love and miss them and think of them every single day. And God is protecting them while I can’t right now. Choosing to be patient and try to wait for change was my way of protecting them from having to hear lies and awful things and fights about/over my by their other adults so that my girls could have better childhoods for it.

My past – every aspect good/bad/indifferent – and each day’s happenings are in God’s hands and needed/happened/are happening for His Reasons and I have no regrets or resentments or pain from anything today. The lessons He needed me to learn I’ve learned and I know my part in even the stuff I wasn’t the “offending party/bad guy” in and today I know my side of the street is clean and I’m doing my part and listening to and talking to God is legitimate now.

Even when something upsets me today I am still full of serenity and peace because God is directing me. And I can see and understand other people’s side/POV/perspective even when/if I don’t agree and have empathy and compassion for them and be understanding and helpful. I love everyone and judge no one. And its genuine and real in a way I can’t describe with words. My HP is real. No stupid pink cloud BS that is liable to pop and send me back down the rabbit hole or foggy brain or uncertainty this time.

I never have to/want to use or drink or be codependent/dependent on anything/anyone and so long as I continue to depend on and talk to my HP daily, regularly and follow His direction I will be okay.

AA Step 2 Part 1 & 2 Step Work

Step 2 Part 1: What my God/Higher Power is.

Unconditionally loving of EVERY human being.

My Higher Power (HP) started off as a waterfall/or mountain.
Today 03-13-2023 and for the last short while (a couple years now) my HP is my best friend, Father, confidant, mentor, and I often refer to Him as TED but call Him God as well. I am a daughter of God and I’m finally letting him take the wheel in the car of my life.

He is NOT the “feared” God of religion. He is all love and I finally am able to really hear His guidance daily in my life because I’m asking for it and talking to him. I’m genuinely asking numerous times a day/whenever needing to make a decision I’m even a little unsure about for direction and “Thy will, not mine, be done.” And He guides me. And today since I am clean/sober I can hear/listen to His guidance and not question or wonder if I am fooling myself like I have done in the past.

I feel God’s love flowing through me and directing me to people who need Him and where I can be helpful. God gives me the purpose I’ve been searching for and the serenity and peace to be with myself and fully love/know/respect myself today.

My God is all powerful and all knowing and nothing happens in my life by mistake. My God will not/does not give me more than I can/am able to handle. Every aspect of my past happened for God’s Reasons and I am no longer resentful or upset or feel any negativity or obsess over my past mistakes/life lessons/failures/embarrassments nor do I blame anyone/anything/God for any hurts/betrayals/other people’s unkind choices/my fuckups/anything from my past and I can fully see the role I played in every aspect of my shortcomings/missteps/negative situations/life and forgive all those who have harmed/hurt me/my daughters and even see their possible good intentions/motives even when the outcome proved otherwise in the end.

My HP is kindness, acceptance, tolerance, and understanding. He does not judge me or anyone and neither do/should I because we are all the sons and daughters of God. My HP is not religious but he understands and appreciates the good intentions of religion and doesn’t care how we heal just wants to heal all His children through us.

Step 2 Part 2: What my God is not?

To blame. To give me material things.
In control of my choices, actions, and behaviors.
Going to do the work for me.
To be feared/fear.
A joke or copout or lie or a maybe.
Going to force me or chase me (but He will always be there).
Judgmental or unforgiving.
Religion or religious.

AA Step 1 – My Step Work

Step 1: 5 things that made my life unmanageable in my addiction.

1. Using/drinking/altering my natural state of mind messes with/dupes my reality/I lose my sanity, my serenity, my brain.
2. I didn’t/couldn’t do right for my daughters being “hidden” from me
3. I was/am toxic for M and everyone in my life.
4. Thinking I was a “functioning addict/alcoholic”
5. Having no HP or at least a real honest connection/relationship with Him.

5 things I’m powerless over:

1. Other people – their actions, behaviors, feelings, anything/everything outside myself.
2. My addiction/using/etc – if I use I’m choosing misery and possible death by my own stupidity.
3. Triggers – they’re everywhere in life.
4. Environments/energies in a room.
5. Being in control of my life – “Thy will, not mine, be done”

Gratitude List

Before I got a sponsor or at least started actively working with her I knew enough about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)- of which I am a member and for me I have no issue breaking anonymity but I will ALWAYS respect the anonymity of others in the program -to get started working my steps right out of the gate. So I made a gratitude list (as I have done many times when I feel my life is unmanageable/I need to settle my brain and thinking down). I think sharing my step work can/may be able to show another person how simple the “design for living” in AA is and hopefully somewhere/someday (or not) someone suffering can see there is a way out.

So without further ado my GRATITUDE LIST 03/07/2023 (9 days into my sobriety this time around):

*Usually folks say to do a list of 5 which is what I’ve usually done/do but if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten I’ve heard so I did 10 in order of importance in my life*

1. My Higher Power, I call him Ted/God and having a REAL relationship with him today.
2. Me, ALIVE, SANE, SOBER, WILLING
3. My kiddos health and happiness and knowing and trusting my HP is protecting my girls while they’re fathers continue to “hide them” from me going on 2 years yesterday. My son being born amazingly perfect and super smart and him having the dad that he does who is number 4.
4. M’s love and understanding and support and unconditionally loving me anyway even when I thought he didn’t care/was indifferent. Him continuing to have faith and support my crazy ass while I was a dry drunk for 5 years (in meetings not working a program) and still getting high on dry goods (drugs) while he stayed sober since before I met him.
5. My dad and my lil brother for almost always loving me anyway and supporting me through it all.
6. AA and the fellowship, my chosen family, and the new friends I’m meeting and the old friends who never gave up on me.
7. Forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally always. And knowing my human fallibility and being okay with my mistakes.
8. Knowing I’m worthwhile and respecting myself fully and creating healthy boundaries in my life today.
9. Learning to get boundaries.
10. Life and living life on life’s (God’s) terms today. Turning my will over to the God of my understanding each morning and letting He who has all power have all power direct my life today, knowing He’s got me.

Love and let live.

We only have control over ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. What anyone thinks, feels, says about me is none of my business or my issue. People hurt people because they’re hurting. You could slap me in the face today and I will smile and tell you to have a good day.

Everyone is going through their own shit that we know little/nothing about. Try to remember that when a person hurts/attacks/is rude to you, that’s their issue don’t take it to heart.

However if you’re called an asshole once a day, it’s not you, if you’re being called an asshole multiple times a day it’s you that’s the asshole. No not always but I think you get it.

Strive to be better than yesterday even just the tiniest bit and you’ll be amazed how your life will change.

Be patient with yourself it doesn’t happen overnight or without action and being honest with yourself. And by no means am I trying to say it’s easy but it’s definitely worth the effort, uncomfortableness, and willingness.

Be kind and love all the assholes anyway- you don’t know their story it’s not always your business to anyway and doesn’t matter- do what only you can do and control : be kind, love em anyways, let God take care of the rest!

I hope everyone has a stellar day and helps the healing by just doing others simple kindnesses.

One piece of advice: DON’T WATCH THE NEWS. “They” choose what to show/manipulate us with through the media and this continues to divide us. We need the police – BOYCOTT AND DEFUND THE MEDIA!!

I Never Have to Use Again

For the first time in my life I am genuinely 100% sober.
Since the age of 15 I started smoking pot, drinking on occasion.
To be completely honest, as I try to consistently be, I hated smoking pot, still do when I have once in a blue moon over the past 20 years since those teenage days. So why did I? Cause it was what to do. And I, like I believe most of us if we’re honest with ourselves, was trying to fill this indescribable void that I didn’t know why it was there and took me 20 years to figure out the only way to fill. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I married an alcoholic at 19 and we brought the best blessing of a child into this world. We never should have been married but I was still trying to fill that void and I thought that would do it. Of course it didn’t. Our marriage lasted 11 years but we separated after 2 or 3. I got into drinking but he got to be the alcoholic and so I couldn’t be, yet. Recently he betrayed me in a way I never saw coming and while I’m hurt and baffled 2 years still with him betraying me and our daughter I forgive him and love him just as much if not more than the day we brought our baby into the world.

We never actually broke up. He was having a great day at work stopped at the bar on the way home for a beer. We were talking and all was great. Then I couldn’t get him on the phone. See that one beer, I didn’t know it at the time, wasn’t enough, would never be enough for an alcoholic like my husband. Next call I got was from the Renton jail and he’d crashed his beloved truck somewhere we’d never even been meaning to be coming home. Come to find out one beer became a pitcher and another and another ad nauseum. I brought our baby girl to visit him in jail. He had a record, he wasn’t getting PRed and we were a couple broke kids so I couldn’t bail him out.

Then while I was at work one day my mother, grandmother, grandfather, and brother, packed up my house without my consent and moved me into my mom’s house to live. As luck would have it my husband got out that same day and came home to our home empty save for the pot he’d been growing that my little brother had kept the real adults from discovering. My mother is an unforgiving hateful woman so he went to live with his brother, ironically where we’d first met, and slowly we went on with our lives.

To be continued….

Today I have 5 days sober. One day at a time. Slow and steady; life’s a marathon and I’m done sprinting.

Blindsided

Survival of the fittest or most duplicitous? I’ve heard it asked : What’s the point of having it all if you’ve got no one to share it with , but I wonder if those who truly have it all could trust those around them to be unmotivated by what they have anyway. I thought I would rather spend my life with my children and worry less or naught about having things. Turns out, though, when people can’t take things they take what matters most to me anyway. And even when they’ve taken all meaning from my life and I’m trying to rise above and keep enjoying life somehow, they keep taking. It’s always the people I think I can trust the most it seems. I naively believe they want the best for me (like they often even have the lying capacity to say even while turning the knife they’ve stabbed in my back that I haven’t realized is even there yet) and with me. Yet once again I trusted and believed just to be let down completely caught off guard and made to look unfit and unprepared and then betrayed beyond my wildest of fears. Since that fateful day they’ve also refused to acknowledge me or allow me to see my two favorite most precious babygirls – who are no longer babies but always will be my babies! and go about life pretending I don’t exist and/or am worthless and justify their unlawful withholding of my children from me whilst poisoning my daughters to look down on and disrespect me. Couldn’t leaving me high and dry when I gave birth to my son after 6 months of planning and trusting my dearest beings with you been enough punishment (for what I’ve been waiting 18 months nearly to be informed myself because there is no justification and I did nothing to bring about such a betrayal from those who claimed to be my family) just screwing up my whole world and giving my baby to her abuser and lying to her about everything when I had stupidly told her she could trust you wasn’t enough?!

But all I can do is breath deeply, calm my frustrated and hurt feels and wait for the courts to let me back in. I won’t even retaliate which so easily I could upend some people’s worlds like they did mine but I’ve learned revenge is a dish best not served because it’s fighting negativity with more negativity and I don’t enjoy negativity so I must be the bigger person and forgive and let it go and move forward. My only focus is my daughters’ happiness, best interest and having them in my life because it serves both the former aspects. Their other adults be damned, they can be their miserable selves and unhappy over there and it can no longer touch me because I will say being around so much hatred and self loathing took a real toll on my soul that I was actively avoiding spending time with them in the end to steer clear of the constant complaining and lack of integrity and honesty with themselves, each other, and everyone else too. Just give me back time with my girls cause legally you should have this entire time!!! Felonious choices that I cannot help what the courts do with if ya’ll continue to refuse to talk to me and avoid me, you don’t get to do that when you have my children, see?