Blindsided

Survival of the fittest or most duplicitous? I’ve heard it asked : What’s the point of having it all if you’ve got no one to share it with , but I wonder if those who truly have it all could trust those around them to be unmotivated by what they have anyway. I thought I would rather spend my life with my children and worry less or naught about having things. Turns out, though, when people can’t take things they take what matters most to me anyway. And even when they’ve taken all meaning from my life and I’m trying to rise above and keep enjoying life somehow, they keep taking. It’s always the people I think I can trust the most it seems. I naively believe they want the best for me (like they often even have the lying capacity to say even while turning the knife they’ve stabbed in my back that I haven’t realized is even there yet) and with me. Yet once again I trusted and believed just to be let down completely caught off guard and made to look unfit and unprepared and then betrayed beyond my wildest of fears. Since that fateful day they’ve also refused to acknowledge me or allow me to see my two favorite most precious babygirls – who are no longer babies but always will be my babies! and go about life pretending I don’t exist and/or am worthless and justify their unlawful withholding of my children from me whilst poisoning my daughters to look down on and disrespect me. Couldn’t leaving me high and dry when I gave birth to my son after 6 months of planning and trusting my dearest beings with you been enough punishment (for what I’ve been waiting 18 months nearly to be informed myself because there is no justification and I did nothing to bring about such a betrayal from those who claimed to be my family) just screwing up my whole world and giving my baby to her abuser and lying to her about everything when I had stupidly told her she could trust you wasn’t enough?!

But all I can do is breath deeply, calm my frustrated and hurt feels and wait for the courts to let me back in. I won’t even retaliate which so easily I could upend some people’s worlds like they did mine but I’ve learned revenge is a dish best not served because it’s fighting negativity with more negativity and I don’t enjoy negativity so I must be the bigger person and forgive and let it go and move forward. My only focus is my daughters’ happiness, best interest and having them in my life because it serves both the former aspects. Their other adults be damned, they can be their miserable selves and unhappy over there and it can no longer touch me because I will say being around so much hatred and self loathing took a real toll on my soul that I was actively avoiding spending time with them in the end to steer clear of the constant complaining and lack of integrity and honesty with themselves, each other, and everyone else too. Just give me back time with my girls cause legally you should have this entire time!!! Felonious choices that I cannot help what the courts do with if ya’ll continue to refuse to talk to me and avoid me, you don’t get to do that when you have my children, see?

My Main Mantras

Mantras to memorize (modify to your own verbage/word style to make them easier to remember and be more true to you):
Nobody’s perfect (or Pobody’s Nerfect from “the Good Place” television series)
This too shall pass/No season [no darkness] lasts forever
Time takes time (it took me so much time to get to where I am at so I cannot expect thinsg to miraculously be better overnight)
One day (or hour/minute/moment) at a time
Be here, now (live in the present, be mindful)
You can’t eat an entire alligator cow in one bite (When I heard/readthis one it said elephant but elephants are my spirit animal and I would never think to eat an elephant then again I wouldn’t likely eat an alligator because I don’t eat much meat as it is….)
Everything is temporary/This is not permanent (this not only helps remind me that as the econd mantra says: “this too shall pass” but also that even the good things in life are not constants that will be here for sure tomorrow so to appreciate everything and everyone in my life in the present)
Worry is a pointless emotion/I’ve had a lot of problems in my life and most of them never even happened (When I think back to similar situations I’ve been in in the past where I’ve had the same type of anxiety or worry pop into my brain I realize that the majority of the time the things I fretted happening never did and I wasted a lot of time and energy on the what ifs. If a situation is within my control then all I can do is make the best right choice in my course of action and if it is not then I must let go and let God [TED])
Let go and let God [TED, whatever you call your HP/Higher Power] if a situation/outcome is out of my control (which most are or at least partially are) then I’ve learned to pray (or chat with which is my kind of praying) to my HP to take my worry and then trust Him to do what is best even if that means it’s not exactly what I would’ve wanted to happen because I have also realized that I very seldomknow what is bet for me and if i had my way in a lot of situations I would not have learned so many valuable lessons that only come from dealing with the tough stuff head on.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that’s why we call it the present. This little nugget is straight from the halls of my elementary school lolol but it hits home at the three basic truths of mindfulness and living in the now: 1) the past is just that – past, it cannot be changed, altered, corrected, etc in any way no matter how long we dwell on the could’ve/should’ve/would’ve of it! So let it be, learn from it where you can and then let it go and move forward. 2) tomorrow will be today tomorrow and then it is worth focusing on but worry over what is yet to occur and may not happen 3) today is a gift that I’ve spent too often fretting over the yesterdays and tomorrows and so now I don’t instead I practice mindfulness and being here, now.

Minding my business.

I live happily under a rock on purpose and I haven’t been able to miss the overturning of Roe v Wade, try as I might to avoid the propaganda and deliberate dividing of our nation done by our government and media and news outlets. I’m no conspiracy nut I just know that the actual powers that be we don’t actually see and we’re like an old school Sims game to them. They are that ever-ambiguous “they” pulling the strings of society and sitting back to see how we handle this or that, the red pill or the blue?

Usually, even when things erk me about what “they” are doing, I keep it to myself and let it go because more often than not there is not a darn thing I can do about their choices and most don’t directly affect me anyway. Roe v Wade being overturned doesn’t effect me; I’m anti-abortion as a personal choice but pro-choice on a grander scale because it is not my business or within my purview to decide what is right or best for other people. And THAT is why I am so bothered by this decision handed down by the supreme court. Now I get it, like Black Lives Matter and the whole melodrama over Covid-19, Roe v Wade overturned is another way of dividing our nation and to keep us fighting amongst ourselves. However, this one actually seriously can fuck with a woman’s life and then a child’s life and well being in the long run. It is a short sighted decision in my opinion. We already don’t have enough resources for the women who want to get pregnant and cannot afford it here in my state and we aren’t a Bible state like some I’ve been hearing about. One of such states is said to have the highest infant mortality rates AND highest low income pregnancies nationwide! And this state is also going back to the olden days and reaffirming their antiquated anti-abortion laws!

Here’s the reality of what the old farts on the supreme court don’t seem to be able to see the big picture of: allowing these states to shut down abortion clinics without already having the resources in place for all these soon-to-be-born unwanted babies is going to make for more neglect and abuse of children. Plain and simple – I do believe that 50% of those who would have had abortions will turn out to be grateful for having there babies no matter the hardships this creates and they may be great loving parents but the other 50% that will either leave their babies at firestations where that is allowed or be forced to keep them and resent and neglect them is an awful lot of eventual adults likely to be criminals and even if not children with miserable childhoods.

And last thing and I’ll have said my piece. The people who advocate and picket abortion clinics: GOD SAYS DO NOT JUDGE SO STOP JUDGING IN HIS NAME and MIND YOUR BUSINESS!! You have every right to your feelings as does that poor woman already broken over the choice she is making -because while not for all majority of women having abortions aren’t thrilled about it- and you don’t know why or what her circumstances are and are just an asshole for making your opinion stigmatize and create an even worse situation out of the worst situation! Go back and reread your bibles and be like Jesus as God wants and keep your side of the street clean and if you’ve got nothing nice to say keep it to your damn self!

Okay be easy people and love one another today anyway!

music > drugs