AA Step 2 Part 3 & 4 Step Work

Step 2 Part 3: Ideas, emotions and attitudes from my addiction.

I’m not the biggest fan of looking backward and am at peace with my past today. However, my sponsor asked me to complete a full page on this part and I am doing as I am suggested to do because she knows better how to stay sober than I do.

I will still premise this by saying that I DO NOT REGRET NOR WOULD I CHANGE ANY of my past mistakes because they made me the person I am today and God put me through my trials in life for His Reasons.

I was selfish, self centered, and self seeking in my addiction even when I thought I was not. Using drugs/alcohol while being a parent even if it was after they were asleep was/is not healthy or being a good parent/example for my children. I put my needs above M’s and while he stayed with me sober since before I met him I was toxic for his sobriety and life and thank God he stuck by me but I was selfish in allowing him to. I put my parents/family/friends through hell with worry and no matter what they did as a result I am to responsible for causing them pain.

I experienced psychosis because of using and at one point thought Jesus was tugging at my “Earthly belongings” including my clothes to remove them and so I did and proceeded to walk naked down the sidewalk during rush hour traffic believing I was going to walk to my grandmothers miles and miles away. *Thankfully the EMTs picked me up about a mile down the road. And took me to get the help I needed. I was fully drug/alcohol free but experiencing psychosis from using/trauma I had just gone through.*

I believed I was a functioning addict/alcoholic because for the longest time I had everything I needed in life while in my addiction and it was only taken away when people realized after I’d already quit on my own.

I didn’t have a connection/relationship with my HP no matter how hard I tried to get spiritually fit while a dry drunk for 5 years and using here and there something was blocking that. Now I know it was the using/drinking that was the block.

The “pink cloud” and believing I was the second coming of Christ (aided by a toxic party trying to use me for her gain) or on the Truman Show.

What I was looking for in my using/drinking I’ve found in sobriety. Pretty crazy but its amazing.

Step 2 Part 4: Opposites of step 2 part 3’s emotions, attitudes and ideas:

Love everyone anyways, always. Look for the positives. Reframing negative thinking/thoughts comes naturally now.
Self love – putting God first, myself second thus first, and my family third thus first.
Thy will, not mine, be done. Letting my HP guide me/direct me what the next right decision/action is.

I only have control over my actions, reactions, and thoughts, no one or anything else in this world or my life. I choose to be happy and serene.

Time takes time and I’ve got time even thought it isn’t always comfortable to be patient especially for things I did/do not and my daughters did/do not deserve. I’ve come to realize they are only kids for 18 short years and I already got to experience and enjoy the majority of those years with them everyday and mostly just the three of us. Right now they’re seeing the other adults in their lives for what they are and I never have to say anything negative about these people to them like they do to my daughters about me. I raised my girls in their most formative years with love and teaching them self love and knowing they can NEVER disappoint or upset me with them. So even if it takes ANOTHER 2 years to see them (which God willing it won’t) our bond is strong enough to withstand and always has been. They know I love and miss them and think of them every single day. And God is protecting them while I can’t right now. Choosing to be patient and try to wait for change was my way of protecting them from having to hear lies and awful things and fights about/over my by their other adults so that my girls could have better childhoods for it.

My past – every aspect good/bad/indifferent – and each day’s happenings are in God’s hands and needed/happened/are happening for His Reasons and I have no regrets or resentments or pain from anything today. The lessons He needed me to learn I’ve learned and I know my part in even the stuff I wasn’t the “offending party/bad guy” in and today I know my side of the street is clean and I’m doing my part and listening to and talking to God is legitimate now.

Even when something upsets me today I am still full of serenity and peace because God is directing me. And I can see and understand other people’s side/POV/perspective even when/if I don’t agree and have empathy and compassion for them and be understanding and helpful. I love everyone and judge no one. And its genuine and real in a way I can’t describe with words. My HP is real. No stupid pink cloud BS that is liable to pop and send me back down the rabbit hole or foggy brain or uncertainty this time.

I never have to/want to use or drink or be codependent/dependent on anything/anyone and so long as I continue to depend on and talk to my HP daily, regularly and follow His direction I will be okay.

Gratitude List

Before I got a sponsor or at least started actively working with her I knew enough about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)- of which I am a member and for me I have no issue breaking anonymity but I will ALWAYS respect the anonymity of others in the program -to get started working my steps right out of the gate. So I made a gratitude list (as I have done many times when I feel my life is unmanageable/I need to settle my brain and thinking down). I think sharing my step work can/may be able to show another person how simple the “design for living” in AA is and hopefully somewhere/someday (or not) someone suffering can see there is a way out.

So without further ado my GRATITUDE LIST 03/07/2023 (9 days into my sobriety this time around):

*Usually folks say to do a list of 5 which is what I’ve usually done/do but if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten I’ve heard so I did 10 in order of importance in my life*

  1. My Higher Power, I call him Ted/God and having a REAL relationship with him today.
  3. My kiddos health and happiness and knowing and trusting my HP is protecting my girls while they’re fathers continue to “hide them” from me going on 2 years yesterday. My son being born amazingly perfect and super smart and him having the dad that he does who is number 4.
  4. M’s love and understanding and support and unconditionally loving me anyway even when I thought he didn’t care/was indifferent. Him continuing to have faith and support my crazy ass while I was a dry drunk for 5 years (in meetings not working a program) and still getting high on dry goods (drugs) while he stayed sober since before I met him.
  5. My dad and my lil brother for almost always loving me anyway and supporting me through it all.
  6. AA and the fellowship, my chosen family, and the new friends I’m meeting and the old friends who never gave up on me.
  7. Forgiving myself and loving myself unconditionally always. And knowing my human fallibility and being okay with my mistakes.
  8. Knowing I’m worthwhile and respecting myself fully and creating healthy boundaries in my life today.
  9. Learning to get boundaries.
  10. Life and living life on life’s (God’s) terms today. Turning my will over to the God of my understanding each morning and letting He who has all power have all power direct my life today, knowing He’s got me.

Daily Dose of Mindfulness

So each day I try to touch base with a few different readings/meditations/reflections/thoughts from a few places that I think any and everyone can benefit from checking out and taking in. Even if not every day, on those days you need a good pick me up check out my new page >>> Daily Dose of Mindfulness <<< and see what daily goodness some of my favorite sites/books/programs have in store.

And an infograph/flowchart for a very simplified version of how to get our thoughts in order to start choosing happiness made by me:
Thanks and enjoy your day, stay beautiful and spread joy!

Choose happiness steps simplified flowchart
And start the positive thinking and also get a little introspection with a Daily Dose of Mindfulness!
Love and happiness to all you beautiful people!
Thanks for reading 🙂
Ready or not?! Let’s go!!

Thinking Thoughtfully : : Thoughtful Thinking

For thirty-something years I 100% believed I had no control over my constantly-whirring mind and not for nothing – I felt I’d tried everything (therapy, recovery programs, meditation, exercise, hypnosis, melatonin, sleeping pills prescription and otc, teas, journal writing, alcohol, marijuana, harder drugs, reading, exhaustion, sauna/heat therapy/exhaustion, etc et al) and nothing seemed to work. And since I live a life of unabashed honesty (now) I will admit that I didn’t put forth the necessary effort needed for any of those attempts to be fruitful; I do believe that all of the other methods I’ve tried have benefits that aid in what I finally found to work for me… Plus the more mental health help and positive resources and tools I’ve got/I can get the better!

Hello you kind soul, thank you for stopping by to read my writing! My name is Jess Cause aka lackadaisicalwhimsy (the other name I’ve written under when I blogged anonymously but I’m no longer hiding because I am proud and happy to be the forever fallible flawed funny feels-feeling fun-loving child-at-heart for life fiery female just figuring out how to live a simply happy life and how to teach, love, adore, experience, laugh and practice self love, care, acceptance and forgiveness with and be there for my children even with the ever growing obstacles seeming to appear when least expected by the people I should have seen it coming from. Jess be’s my name, JessCause my handle/psuedonym, and momming and blogging/writing are my games and claims to fame (((my kids think I’m a big deal and the three of them are all the fans I need in this world))) and these two things- scribbling my feels and rearing my littles -are also what keep this #freebird sane and free to be unapologetically happy and blessed to be authentically me, no shame, no one to blame, only got love to share with the world and do my part- small as it is -to bring peace and happiness to the world at large.

Inspirations Instilled by Intellectuals I 💕

Also, alongside As A Man Thinketh James Allen has a plethora of written works that I have found even more wisdom in. The link when you click James Allen here or ^^up there^^ in the previous sentence takes you to his daily meditations and morning and evening reflections from the books he wrote of a year of each (one or the other is actually a compilation of his work put together by his wife after his death but all written by him prior to the end of his life).

Another couple of great authors to read and follow that are of this generation and also write blogs as well as books are: Mark Manson author of his self titled blog markmanson.net and a handful of best selling titles including The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. ((I just purchased Will the autobiography/memoirs of Will Smith which Mark co-wrote with the superstar and am super excited to see what those two phenomenal brains and introspective personalities put together. Especially after reading <listening to> Green Lights by Matthew McConaughey and having my socks knocked off by the absolutely topnotch quality of his narrative making me not want it to end, I can’t even imagine what Mark and Will have in store for us!!))
Alfred James whose blog Pocket Mindfulness has saved my spiralling mind on more than a handful of occasions; it’s as though he’s in my head because the needed post is always right there when I go to his page.

And to be clear these guys do not know of my existence so I’m not pushing anything for monetary or other value or affiliation; I’m just telling you what works for me to live happily even when my life’s a shit show.

Walk With Me Working It; Choosing Happiness IRL(in real life)

Here’s the reality of this step guide situation – I’m giving you the method that worked and works for me day in and day out and after a few years of fine-tuning the nuances and sharpening my toolkit I feel I have it about 50% 100% dialed in for public consumption LOLOL (laughing obnoxiously & lovingly out loud).

“He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

But as the world turns and feeling that even in it’s roughest draft of an idea that getting this concept out to any and everyone now and with the help of my Higher Power and folks looking to enhance positive thinking and choose to be happy and give this way a try we will fine tune it to embrace everyone’s quirks and needs along the way. Or more likely, at least in the short term, broaden my track to incorporate all levels of abilities and capabilities.

So without further ado, and putting aside my wavering confidence in what I do know works because I am working it!, Step 2 on our path to simple happiness and choosing so, sounds straightforward enough …. ONWARD to how to start thinking thoughtfully.

Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on Pexels.com

Don’t worry,

I’ve got you!

Thoughtful Thinking

As described and repeated ad nauseam by Mr. James Allen in my personal Thought Life Bible or as he titled As A Man Thinketh our life starts and ends with our thoughts. The thoughts we think create the actions we do, the reactions we have, and the inaction we avoid; all we do begins with the thinking going on in our head.

After 3 decades of living with my constant, nonstop and oft overwhelming thoughts dancing, sprinting, sometimes spiraling around my brain I could not longer honestly claim that I was not able to control my thinking, that I was victim to my thoughts; Mr James Allen, *fist shaking in mock frustration with the messenger of what has always been while I’ve unhappily been unaware of the fact within my control* annihilated my excuses and victimhood <which was something I wasn’t aware I was not only playing into but was holding fast to because then I wasn’t responsible and I couldn’t change anything…right?! oh but how incredibly wrong I was! and sans first growing pains of disdain at having to own my shit, I am forever grateful that I was wrong; whenever you’re ready to accept ownership of your life we’ll be over here on the other side waiting with open, understanding arms but no pressure this is a “at-your-own-comfort” pace and so long as you’re making an effort to better yourself a little bit each day or whatever measure works for you then you’re making progress toward self-awareness, acceptance and ultimately unconditional self love of a variety that gives you the choice of happiness in any and all circumstances> and in doing so the incorrect beliefs of lifelong uncontrollable anxiety and insoluble insomnia ever pervaded by my anxiety’s acuteness and all the hunkering down I’d done in acceptance of such a miserable existence ruled by unhappy, unkind, unhelpful, repetitive, mocking and negative thoughts more often than the opposite variety had been for naught.

My perspective was completely changed by my interpretation and understanding of the concepts and correlations involving my control over my thinking and thus my control over my life as laid out so simply and basically in As A Man Thinketh.

Thoughts >>> Actions

So now what? I got it but I was still me and my way of thinking was pretty thoroughly ingrained being how I’d done it for thirty plus years. And I wasn’t even unhappy really, looking back with my hindsight 20/20 vision I can see that I also wasn’t happy at all, not actually even though I tried to sell the idea that I was to myself even, while hiding from myself and pretending that my life was shitty because of other people’s doings and causes/unwarranted and unwanted interference which to a large extent was the truth and still is the why and the how of certain happenings and unfairness that was out of my control.

But even in those parts that I may not be to blame for the outcome I played a role somewhere that created where I was at then and factors into where I am at today. At that point in life I wanted to leave the past in the past not for the right reasons but to slam shut the ugly truths that it held about me and my mistakes/missteps/misguided choices shut tight and run fast and far to freedom from their knowing looks and murmurings of my shortcomings and failures that blared loudly even though nonexistent and just a part of my own skewed thinking and thus far negative self talk that weirdly is more natural and the normal than its counterpart of positive self affirmations.

First, I decided, I had to know what my end goal was in making any change to begin with. I figured once I had that no matter how lofty or far off it may be, I could map my way toward it with baby steps and sometimes throwing in the needed sprint when inspiration lit a fire under my tush.

My dad is a goal oriented fella and has always promoted and suggested and reminded me and my brother that the only way to achieve anything is by setting a goal to do so and writing it down. I had avoided doing so for my then thirty plus years and had always known it would be part of the simple happy life I was determined to live yet had no real idea of how to obtain and then maintain said simple happiness. So that is the first part of Thinking Thoughtfully in Step 2 : defining our desired outcome – D.O! D.O!

Defining Our Desired Outcome(s) : : Do!! Do!!

We have arrived at part A of our second step toward choosing happiness and controlling our life and circumstances instead of pandering to what happens TO me. Depending on your way of brainstorming ideas this can be done whatever way is most comfortable and workable for you to come up with the best desirable outcomes (yes plural on purpose!) for your life that you hope to actualize and can foresee your life benefiting from taking back the reigns of control and owning your life from thought to outcome.

Brainstorming techniques I find useful:

  • Thought Write (I’ve read it called Brain Writing recently)
    • whatever you’re thinking write it and don’t delete, edit, leave out anything. Write your stream of consciousness. While this may not be the best way to brainstorm goals or specific ideas it will loosen up your creative brain and get words flowing.
  • Word mapping/Mind mapping/Goal Mapping
  • Lists. Make lists of lists. Lists of ideas for each area you want to focus on making a change or putting forth more effort.
  • Word associations/synonyms/word breakdowns – prefix suffix/definitions
  • Draw it!
    • this will loosen up your rather than writing your ideas sketch/doodle/draw out what ideas come to mind. This can broaden and expand initial ideas especially for us less drawing capable bc our attempt to draw an idea may come out in such an abstract fashion as to extract different ideas from your artwork.
  • No matter what enjoy the process. There are no right or wrong answers or goals. This isn’t about or for anyone but you.
  • For more brainstorming ideas Google some variation of “list of brainstorming techniques” adding in “for goal setting” or other specificities will help get more than just the repeat copycats in your search results and since you can Google as easily as I can I’m not going to regurgitate them here.
Brainstorming Goal 💡 ideas
Goal Mapping/mind mapping with emojis
Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com
These were/are my desired outcomes/goals from when I started figuring this all out. At the time I hadn’t sat down and written them out in this or any other way and not having done so made for missteps and difficulties that could have otherwise been avoided. Thus I implore you to start this journey by learning from my mistakes and at least jotting some idea of how you hope getting control over your thought life will benefit your life. Feel free to utilize mine if you can relate and are wanting similar outcomes for yourself; often times we read something and feel like that person lifted our own thoughts and wrote them down before we even realized we had them, it’s not copying or lacking originality it’s finding outside inspiration.

In case you aren’t one to pay attention to images (since I often am that type with all the ads constantly sneak-attacking what I’m reading so that I click them by accident!) and/or my lack of proofreading and double checking that my shared images are able to be viewed at the proper size necessary to read any text on them depending on the screen size you may be utilizing to do so and/or just to be thorough 😉 here are the goals I set and have met and/or am still working toward obtaining:

  • take control of my thinking
    • reduce/eliminate unnecessary anxiety
    • overcome insomnia caused by incessant thoughts
    • disprove mental health diagnosis (misdiagnosis)
  • control how I allow my emotions/feelings to affect me and my current state of happiness
    • regain self confidence
    • know my worth and act accordingly
    • set and stick by boundaries in all my relationships
  • learn to control my reactions
    • let go of worry/care of other peoples’ feelings and/or judgments about me
    • disprove the liars/lies used against me to take my daughters
    • stop allowing negative people and toxic relationships headspace
  • take responsibility for and control of my actions
    • own my shit 100% and forgive myself my mistakes and shortcomings
    • love and accept myself completely and honestly flaws, faults and fuckups included
    • when the courts open up with COVID ending (fingers-crossed) get my butt in there and get my daughters back home and safe
    • be a positive role model for my girls and show them that it’s okay to be fallible and own my mistakes so long as I try

I’d love to hear some of your goals in the comments or direct message me if you’d prefer. I based my categories around those aspects of life that are within our control, which I either hadn’t really been taught or had forgotten and subsequently fallen into feeling like a victim to my circumstances and life’s “unfair” treatment. What I’ve come to learn or remember/relearn is that the only things we have control over in life are our own thoughts (I promise it is possible!! Next part of this step is the how of it!!), our actions and reactions, our attitudes and behaviors, our mindset and perspectives, the words we use and the tone with which we use them, our amount of effort we put forth and the choices and decisions that are ours to make, and how we feel and to what degree we allow our emotions to affect our state of being.

Boohoo Me was a clever little manipulator always able to find ways to get my way and do so without upsetting the people I was stepping on to do so; it took this complete overhaul of my personality and finally meeting a man who wouldn’t cosign my bullshitting ways -plus a bit of wisdom and self introspection- to finally see the narcissistic tendencies and victim role I had played unwittingly for so long. While I wasn’t the type to harm others mainly because I didn’t want to experience the fallout that could possibly create for me I wasn’t living as the person I believed myself to be and want to be and role model I want to be for my children.

From as far back as I can remember I absorbed the people around me’s personalities but not to be like them, rather to understand how to convince them that they wanted to do what made things work better for me without my input being a factor acknowledged. I merely viewed it as being smart and adaptable which both were true but, even though I maintained not harming people mainly to avoid any possible backlash but doing no harm nonetheless, there was a pin thin line to narcissistic behaviors and gas lighting that I was walking. And it kept me second guessing myself, replaying interactions hypercritical of my convincingness, living in fear of being found out as the fraud I felt like even though looking back now I see clearly a young woman trying to find herself with only good intentions albeit for me and mine which also speaks to the need to do and be better.

I’ve raised my daughters and will continue raising my son and my girls to accept everyone, not be judgmental and love themselves always. After going through the process of owning my life, the good the bad and the ugly and learning to control and utilize my thinking thoughtfully to be happy within myself independent of my circumstances, I now walk the walk AND talk the talk. I’m a firm believer in practicing what you preach and find “do as I say not as I do”ers an incredibly frustrating bunch especially as co-parents!

The Thought Life as I like to think of this in-the-works quasi-life program geared toward anyone wanting to live a simply happy life and have the choice to be happy despite anything life throws at them, is also inspired by AA and NA’s 12 Step programs and can go hand in hand with any of the Anonymous step programs and will have some similarities but without the focus on addiction and alcoholism (or codependency, overeating, etc et al) but rather can help anyone take back control and stop giving outside forces the power that only we should have over ourselves, and just have to choose to practice self acceptance and taking responsibility for our lives to do so.



So for step 1 in my previous blog post I gave the simple task of listening to/reading As A Man Thinketh by James Allen in it’s entirety in one sitting (preferably but so long as you read/listened to the whole book however you accomplished it is fine and works). I don’t expect that you had the same experience or epiphany that I did, although if you did too that wouldn’t surprise me as it has had a huge impact on a few people I’ve recommended it to who actually heeded my recommendation. It’s a very old book and the author is unapologetically redundant, I think with a purpose, which he succeeded in doing, in driving home his message. So did you get it?

Mr. Allen gives examples of how thought affects every aspect of our lives and of our selves. He explains best in the book’s forward:

“It is suggestive rather than explanatory, its object being to stimulate men and women to the discovery and perception of the truth that—
‘They themselves are makers of themselves.’ —
by virtue of the thoughts, which they choose and encourage; that mind is the master-weaver, both of the inner garment of character and the outer garment of circumstance, and that, as they may have hitherto woven in ignorance and pain they may now weave in enlightenment and happiness.”

James Allen Foreword of As A Man Thinketh

From the day I read this book my life was and is forever changed in the best of ways. Of course as is life it wasn’t simply having the knowledge of how my thoughts affect everything in my life and in themselves create my world that brought about my ability to choose happiness every day; that took action and training my thinking. Which is the third step in how I took control of my thinking and have found consistent happiness despite, and often in spite of, my circumstances. Next up, and importantly before any real work towards our goals is started we must figure out what we are striving for personally and define our desired outcomes aka D.o! D.o!

Step 1 Choose Happiness introduction to the Thought Life by way of Jame’s Allen’s As A Man Thinketh

Step 2 Define Our Desired Outcomes :: Do! Do!

Choose happiness

Because why not?

The crazy reality is that we do have the choice. It took me over 30 years experiencing life tormented by anxiety and insomnia that I believed I had little to no control over until finally I learned that I have complete control over my thoughts. Even crazier – this epiphany came from listening to my first audio book and first self empowerment type writing I’d ever actually completed; which are two things I had, up until that point, vehemently disapproved of and thought were gimmicks or, to be completely honest, too much effort without a guaranteed or instantaneous reward. My dad actually called me up out of the blue one day and said, “Daughter I’m sending you a link to an audio book I want you to sit down and listen to the whole thing right now, it’s only 45 minutes long, and then call me back after you do.” I didn’t even disagree and he was still trying to convince me to just do what he was suggesting and call him right after because he knew my aversion but just the complete determination and confidence in his demand of me had me intrigued to say the least. He didn’t tell me what it was about or any type of synopsis or clue as to what I was about to hear and when we hung up I did what he said. He had text me a link to Audible’s version of As A Man Thinketh by James Allen and for the next 45 minutes I sat and listened with a weirdly open mind curious as to what had my dad so intent on me hearing.

Now I’m not going to pretend like all it took was listening to the book and wham bam thank you ma’am I was choosing happiness and free of anxiety as though just hearing James Allen’s words hypnotized my life into alignment. And as weird as it sounds I’m really glad it wasn’t magic or an easy fix because 1. Nothing worth a damn is ever that easy or without some sort of effort and 2. Enduring the journey it took me on to get to the reward of being able to choose happiness every day makes it more fulfilling and real/actual and oops 3. The lessons I’ve learned parallel to accomplishing control over my thinking amongst so many revelations and insights about myself I am so grateful for acquiring as young as I am especially since I can see that some people may never have these realizations in their entire lifetimes. On the flip side of that though it also didn’t take an enormous amount of time. However because I was so moved upon hearing my first read through of this book I dove in at full speed to adapting the concepts described in As A Man Thinketh to my life and ridding myself of the anxiety I had so long believed was a lifelong curse I’d been afflicted with. So, as with anything in life results and time-frames will vary, oft drastically from one person’s experience to the next. I can guarantee one thing: you can control your thinking and choose happiness every day if you so choose.

I’m not selling anything, I am simply sharing my experience in hopes that even just one person may benefit from hearing about it. As A Man Thinketh by James Allen is free and a public domain book and in my post I’ve linked to with the audio and written book versions that I made pretty at the bottom of the post are links to other places to download either version free as well.

Step ONE: READ/LISTEN TO AS A MAN THINKETH BY JAMES ALLEN and come back for my next post on how I began implementing Mr. Allen’s simply brilliant concept into my life and the changes I started to see and feel right away!!! ENJOY!!

Chutes and Ladders

you paid
i supplied
you saved
i admired
your kindness
my adoration
you charmed
i fell

you taught
i fought
your patience
my resistance
you push
i rebel
your guidance
my obstinance
you show
i tell

your expectations
my disappointment
your tough love
my best try
you renounce
i comply
you withhold
i apologize
you assume
i confess

your judgment
my surrender
you rebuke
i regress
you cheat
i retreat
you blame
i examine
you lie
i rectify

you play
i forfeit
you take
i give
you demand
i bend
you hurt
i empathize
you resent
i forgive

you stagnate
i grow
your ignorance
my wisdom
you hate
i commiserate
your intolerance
my acceptance
you tit for tat
i ain’t got time for that

you leave
i wait
you cause
i take the bait
you blame
i believe
you stonewall
i upend
you return
i pretend

you apologize
i sympathize
your manipulation
my trust
your unfaithfulness
my devotion
you gaslight
i “go crazy”
your sickness
my naivety

you’re gone
i’m alone
you deceive
i realize
you destroy
i tolerate
your control
my exasperation
your rejection
my devastation

your indifference
my sadness
you abandon
i despair
you devalue
i wonder
your win
my loss
your game
my heartbreak

your “all in”
my elation
you instigate
i avoid the bait
your aboutface
my whiplash
your disrespect
my disbelief
you ghost
i let you go

You Can Help

I’ve been in contact with these kids in Uganda for the past two years and helped raise $300 for them to stay in their home/orphanage and pay their rent when I first started video chatting with them and one of the young men who run the orphanage. They are again in need of help to stay in their home and prayers and donations to help them are greatly appreciated. I started a GoFundMe https://gofund.me/63f2ca5f to raise money to help them.

Please help if you can and pray for them! I’m going to post here what I posted on the GoFundMe page for more info so click above or here https://gofund.me/63f2ca5f or read below and follow the links to donate!! Thanks for all your help!

Help Save These 50 beautiful Souls’ Home! Click to read and donate.

We helped raise $300 for these amazing kids who are happy with next to nothing 2 years ago when their were 46 beautiful souls at this struggling orphanage.  Now they have 50 children as the young man who runs it said, “I added some because of the increasing number of suffering children in our area child and you drop tears yet i would like to see every child happy…” They are located in Uganda, jinja district. 


Rent is their big challenge as they don’t have their own owned home. Also food because there are times when they don’t even know what they’ll have to eat/feed the children the next day! Another struggle is clothing because some children don’t have blankets to keep them warm/comfortable during the nights. Another need is medication because they don’t have enough mosquito nets so some of the children do struggle with malaria as they have alot of mosquitoes here. The children are in the age range of 5-14.


I talk with these kids and Kisoma Ian, who helps run Hope Ministries and takes care of these 50 beautiful souls, regularly and we video chat and they are so sweet and grateful for life!!


Your donation big or small will help keep them in their home, be fed and clothed and provide them with medication and more mosquito nets. Prayers are appreciated and needed! Thank you for all your help! 


“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”

Nelson Mandela 


“We make a living by what we get 

     But we make a life by what we give.”

                              Winston Churchill 


“We cannot do great things on this Earth, 

                                       Only small things with great love.”

                                     Mother Teresa 

AA Step 2 Part 1 & 2 Step Work

Step 2 Part 1: What my God/Higher Power is.

Unconditionally loving of EVERY human being.

My Higher Power (HP) started off as a waterfall/or mountain.
Today 03-13-2023 and for the last short while (a couple years now) my HP is my best friend, Father, confidant, mentor, and I often refer to Him as TED but call Him God as well. I am a daughter of God and I’m finally letting him take the wheel in the car of my life.

He is NOT the “feared” God of religion. He is all love and I finally am able to really hear His guidance daily in my life because I’m asking for it and talking to him. I’m genuinely asking numerous times a day/whenever needing to make a decision I’m even a little unsure about for direction and “Thy will, not mine, be done.” And He guides me. And today since I am clean/sober I can hear/listen to His guidance and not question or wonder if I am fooling myself like I have done in the past.

I feel God’s love flowing through me and directing me to people who need Him and where I can be helpful. God gives me the purpose I’ve been searching for and the serenity and peace to be with myself and fully love/know/respect myself today.

My God is all powerful and all knowing and nothing happens in my life by mistake. My God will not/does not give me more than I can/am able to handle. Every aspect of my past happened for God’s Reasons and I am no longer resentful or upset or feel any negativity or obsess over my past mistakes/life lessons/failures/embarrassments nor do I blame anyone/anything/God for any hurts/betrayals/other people’s unkind choices/my fuckups/anything from my past and I can fully see the role I played in every aspect of my shortcomings/missteps/negative situations/life and forgive all those who have harmed/hurt me/my daughters and even see their possible good intentions/motives even when the outcome proved otherwise in the end.

My HP is kindness, acceptance, tolerance, and understanding. He does not judge me or anyone and neither do/should I because we are all the sons and daughters of God. My HP is not religious but he understands and appreciates the good intentions of religion and doesn’t care how we heal just wants to heal all His children through us.

Step 2 Part 2: What my God is not?

To blame. To give me material things.
In control of my choices, actions, and behaviors.
Going to do the work for me.
To be feared/fear.
A joke or copout or lie or a maybe.
Going to force me or chase me (but He will always be there).
Judgmental or unforgiving.
Religion or religious.

AA Step 1 – My Step Work

Step 1: 5 things that made my life unmanageable in my addiction.

  1. Using/drinking/altering my natural state of mind messes with/dupes my reality/I lose my sanity, my serenity, my brain.
  2. I didn’t/couldn’t do right for my daughters being “hidden” from me
  3. I was/am toxic for M and everyone in my life.
  4. Thinking I was a “functioning addict/alcoholic”
  5. Having no HP or at least a real honest connection/relationship with Him.

5 things I’m powerless over:

  1. Other people – their actions, behaviors, feelings, anything/everything outside myself.
  2. My addiction/using/etc – if I use I’m choosing misery and possible death by my own stupidity.
  3. Triggers – they’re everywhere in life.
  4. Environments/energies in a room.
  5. Being in control of my life – “Thy will, not mine, be done”

Love and let live.

We only have control over ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. What anyone thinks, feels, says about me is none of my business or my issue. People hurt people because they’re hurting. You could slap me in the face today and I will smile and tell you to have a good day.

Everyone is going through their own shit that we know little/nothing about. Try to remember that when a person hurts/attacks/is rude to you, that’s their issue don’t take it to heart.

However if you’re called an asshole once a day, it’s not you, if you’re being called an asshole multiple times a day it’s you that’s the asshole. No not always but I think you get it.

Strive to be better than yesterday even just the tiniest bit and you’ll be amazed how your life will change.

Be patient with yourself it doesn’t happen overnight or without action and being honest with yourself. And by no means am I trying to say it’s easy but it’s definitely worth the effort, uncomfortableness, and willingness.

Be kind and love all the assholes anyway- you don’t know their story it’s not always your business to anyway and doesn’t matter- do what only you can do and control : be kind, love em anyways, let God take care of the rest!

I hope everyone has a stellar day and helps the healing by just doing others simple kindnesses.

One piece of advice: DON’T WATCH THE NEWS. “They” choose what to show/manipulate us with through the media and this continues to divide us. We need the police – BOYCOTT AND DEFUND THE MEDIA!!

I Never Have to Use Again

For the first time in my life I am genuinely 100% sober.
Since the age of 15 I started smoking pot, drinking on occasion.
To be completely honest, as I try to consistently be, I hated smoking pot, still do when I have once in a blue moon over the past 20 years since those teenage days. So why did I? Cause it was what to do. And I, like I believe most of us if we’re honest with ourselves, was trying to fill this indescribable void that I didn’t know why it was there and took me 20 years to figure out the only way to fill. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I married an alcoholic at 19 and we brought the best blessing of a child into this world. We never should have been married but I was still trying to fill that void and I thought that would do it. Of course it didn’t. Our marriage lasted 11 years but we separated after 2 or 3. I got into drinking but he got to be the alcoholic and so I couldn’t be, yet. Recently he betrayed me in a way I never saw coming and while I’m hurt and baffled 2 years still with him betraying me and our daughter I forgive him and love him just as much if not more than the day we brought our baby into the world.

We never actually broke up. He was having a great day at work stopped at the bar on the way home for a beer. We were talking and all was great. Then I couldn’t get him on the phone. See that one beer, I didn’t know it at the time, wasn’t enough, would never be enough for an alcoholic like my husband. Next call I got was from the Renton jail and he’d crashed his beloved truck somewhere we’d never even been meaning to be coming home. Come to find out one beer became a pitcher and another and another ad nauseum. I brought our baby girl to visit him in jail. He had a record, he wasn’t getting PRed and we were a couple broke kids so I couldn’t bail him out.

Then while I was at work one day my mother, grandmother, grandfather, and brother, packed up my house without my consent and moved me into my mom’s house to live. As luck would have it my husband got out that same day and came home to our home empty save for the pot he’d been growing that my little brother had kept the real adults from discovering. My mother is an unforgiving hateful woman so he went to live with his brother, ironically where we’d first met, and slowly we went on with our lives.

To be continued….

Today I have 5 days sober. One day at a time. Slow and steady; life’s a marathon and I’m done sprinting.


Survival of the fittest or most duplicitous? I’ve heard it asked : What’s the point of having it all if you’ve got no one to share it with , but I wonder if those who truly have it all could trust those around them to be unmotivated by what they have anyway. I thought I would rather spend my life with my children and worry less or naught about having things. Turns out, though, when people can’t take things they take what matters most to me anyway. And even when they’ve taken all meaning from my life and I’m trying to rise above and keep enjoying life somehow, they keep taking. It’s always the people I think I can trust the most it seems. I naively believe they want the best for me (like they often even have the lying capacity to say even while turning the knife they’ve stabbed in my back that I haven’t realized is even there yet) and with me. Yet once again I trusted and believed just to be let down completely caught off guard and made to look unfit and unprepared and then betrayed beyond my wildest of fears. Since that fateful day they’ve also refused to acknowledge me or allow me to see my two favorite most precious babygirls – who are no longer babies but always will be my babies! and go about life pretending I don’t exist and/or am worthless and justify their unlawful withholding of my children from me whilst poisoning my daughters to look down on and disrespect me. Couldn’t leaving me high and dry when I gave birth to my son after 6 months of planning and trusting my dearest beings with you been enough punishment (for what I’ve been waiting 18 months nearly to be informed myself because there is no justification and I did nothing to bring about such a betrayal from those who claimed to be my family) just screwing up my whole world and giving my baby to her abuser and lying to her about everything when I had stupidly told her she could trust you wasn’t enough?!

But all I can do is breath deeply, calm my frustrated and hurt feels and wait for the courts to let me back in. I won’t even retaliate which so easily I could upend some people’s worlds like they did mine but I’ve learned revenge is a dish best not served because it’s fighting negativity with more negativity and I don’t enjoy negativity so I must be the bigger person and forgive and let it go and move forward. My only focus is my daughters’ happiness, best interest and having them in my life because it serves both the former aspects. Their other adults be damned, they can be their miserable selves and unhappy over there and it can no longer touch me because I will say being around so much hatred and self loathing took a real toll on my soul that I was actively avoiding spending time with them in the end to steer clear of the constant complaining and lack of integrity and honesty with themselves, each other, and everyone else too. Just give me back time with my girls cause legally you should have this entire time!!! Felonious choices that I cannot help what the courts do with if ya’ll continue to refuse to talk to me and avoid me, you don’t get to do that when you have my children, see?